How to Be a Cunning Linguist…or Something…
Well babycakes, you know how I said in my last article that blowjobs are
like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still pretty good? Unfortunately the same
thing does not apply to eating pussy.
Because each woman is different, I can only report on what works for me
and the general consensus of the girls I talk to. (And believe me, we discuss this
stuff more than you could even imagine…)
I think the first thing to remember when going down on a girl is that not all
pussies are created equal. Just because your ex enjoyed having your thumb up
her ass while you lapped at her like a hungry dog, doesn’t mean I’m going to,
okay? (But hey, some chicks dig that and like all anal play, I suggest you discuss
this with her before trying anything funny.)
In talking with friends during our lunch hour, we came to several
conclusions on what makes us purr…or scream, or moan…whatever. The first
thing we all agreed on was that, like giving head, knowing the difference between
a “soft tongue” and a “hard tongue” is key. A hard tongue on a fully engorged clit
is rarely a pleasurable thing and you’ll be putting ice on your face for several
hours after you get a heel to the head.
You see, the clit gets sensitive really quickly, and when it does, it actually
HURTS. Once it gets to that point, it almost feels as though someone’s going at it
with a palm sander.
Another point I‘d like to bring up is that the clit is key. Your tongue, unless
it’s 4-6 inches long, is NOT a mini-cock. A girl’s g-spot is approximately 4-6
inches inside her vagina, so no matter how far you stick your tongue up there,
you’re probably not going to reach it, making the move pretty much useless. The
point to eating pussy is to stimulate the clit, and, if you’re especially talented, the
g-spot, all at the same time.
To do this, place two fingers inside her while she’s laying on her back (not
the best position for your elbows but too bad). Just below her cervix (that little
bally thing with the crack in it), and above that rough spot (you know the one I
mean…) there’s a flat place. With both fingers, gently stroke that spot in the
“come here” motion, curling your fingers towards the front of her body. You might
feel it sort of push against your fingers and the entire vagina should get tighter
after about a minute of doing this. (However, this move might take a bit of
As you’re using your fingers inside her, concentrate on the HOOD of the
clit, using a soft tongue in circular motions. (This part varies wildly; some women
say up & down tongue motions are better, but personally I say circular and so do
3 of the 4 friends I talked to about it.) A good rule of thumb when eating pussy is
that the wetter it is, the better. There should be a decent layer of saliva or pussy
juice between your tongue and her clit. No girl wants a dry tongue scraping
across the most sensitive part of her body and no guy wants a concussion when
she starts beating him over the head to stop.
Now, the most important thing when going down on a girl is to know how to
read her. The majority of women aren’t going to tell you what feels good and what
doesn’t. This probably isn’t news but…we’re chickenshits.
The easiest way to tell whether or not a chick is on her way to absolute
bliss or just wondering what colour to paint the ceiling, is to listen to her
breathing. Most girls hold their breath when they’re about to cum. I don’t know
why, but we do. We even do it when we’re not going to cum but something feels
good. If you listen to your girl very carefully while you’re down there, you might
hear her stop breathing, then exhale louder than usual. This is a good sign. This
means keep doing exactly what you’re doing. It doesn’t mean do it harder, faster,
whatever, just keep doing exactly what you’re doing because it’s working.
Another good indication of your progress is her legs. If they twitch every
time you do a certain thing, don’t do it. No matter how amusing you find it, stop
doing that. That’s a huge indication that the clit is on it’s way to that palm sander
thing I talked about earlier. I know you guys get a huge kick out of this twitching
phenomenon (some of you have even admitted it to me) but for her sake and
your well being, don’t do it.
If the legs start shaking and then all of a sudden stop, just put your hand
on her inner thigh. If it’s hard and she’s flexing, keep doing what you’re doing.
Another weird thing about chicks and cumming is that a lot of us tense our legs
really tightly when something feels good or we’re about to blow. Again, I have no
idea why, but if you’re listening to her breathing like a good boy, you’ll probably
find that she’s holding her breath at the same time.
The fact of the matter is, we know you’re not mind readers, but somehow
we think that if we try hard enough, we can psychically tell you what to do in order
to put us in a state of euphoria. We’ve got this whole inner dialogue in our heads
while you’re down there you know. We’re saying to ourselves “yeah yeah, do
that! Oh, to the left, yeah, that’s the shit” or “okay buddy, five more seconds of
that and I am sooooo not giving you the rim job I promised,”
The most important thing about eating pussy and doing it well, is
communication. Unfortunately, as previously stated, women are chickenshits so
you need guides like mine to decipher the code. Bon apetit!