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Women in History
This week's update by: doc    Last week's feature Lita's First Lesbian Love Affair special reports:
One Hundred Years Toward Suffrage: An Overview

Abigail Adams writes to her husband, John, who is attending the Continental Congress in Philadelphia, asking that he and the other men--who were at work on the Declaration of Independence--"Remember the Ladies." John responds with humor. "Shut the fuck up bitch! I can legally beat you with a stick as big around as my thumb you know! Haha!"

Emma Hart Willard founds the Troy Female Seminary in New York--the first endowed school for girls. Here two moderately well endowed girls school each other on muff-diving. Click the pix for further study.

1820 to 1880
Evidence from a variety of printed sources reveals that Americans, in general, held highly stereotypical notions about women's and men's roles in society. Most women felt they were best suited to raise the children, keep house, cook, clean, give up sex whenever it was demanded, and generally defer to the man in every way and speak only when spoken to. Men's responsiblities tended toward drinking heavily and mastering the use of the spittoon. This was known as the "Golden Age of Happiness and Joy When the World Was a Perfect Paradise." Women soon fucked all that up.

Oberlin College becomes the first coeducational college in the United States. In 1841, Oberlin awards the first academic degrees to three women. Early graduates include Lucy Stone and Antoinette Brown. Here our two coeds award each other the "Golden Tongue in the Pink Puss" in the third degree.

Sarah Grimké begins her speaking career as an abolitionist and a women's rights advocate. She is eventually silenced by male abolitionists who consider her public speaking a liability. Horace Greeley apologized to disappointed audiences: "Sorry, Sarah can't speak right now, she has my dick in her mouth."

The first National Female Anti-Slavery Society convention meets in New York City. Eighty-one delegates from twelve states attend. Activities included a mock slave auction illustrating the hardships of slavery. All eighty-one women end up spending the week getting mock slave whippings, playing "Master and High-Yaller Wench in the Slave Quarters" and experiencing mock double insertions by the male members.

1837 Mary Lyon founds Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, eventually the first four-year college exclusively for women in the United States. It was also the first college to offer classes in "Rampant Lesbian Orgiastic Strap-On Dildo Techniques and Skills", a study that was sadly under-researched up until that time.

The successful vulcanization of rubber provides women with reliable condoms for the first time. The birth rate in the United States continues its downward, century-long spiral. Soon the first man is beaten senseless by his wife with a rolling pin after she discovers 2 condoms in his trousers- out of a pack of three!

The Woman's Christian Temperance Union (WCTU) is founded by Annie Wittenmyer. Not surprisingly, one of the most vehement opponents to women's enfranchisement was the liquor lobby, which feared women might use the franchise to prohibit the sale of liquor. This would seriously impede the effectiveness of Roofies and lead to a spiralling decrease in successful date-rapes, a popular custom of the day.

Alice Paul and Lucy Burns organize the National Women's Party, and engage in civil disobedience to publicize the suffrage cause. Their most successful protest is the "Withholding Blow-jobs Strike" which soon forces men to their knees, resulting in the "Mutual Oral Sex Until Orgasm, Even If You Do Think It Smells Like Fish" Agreement of 1914.

NAWSA president Carrie Chapman Catt unveils her "winning plan" for suffrage victory at a convention in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Catt's plan required the coordination of activities by a vast cadre of suffrage workers in both state and local associations. They work a pyramid scheme of giving each other's husbands 3-way sex in return for a Yes vote on women's suffrage. The sex is good, but the men hear a lot of shit about it later.

Jeannette Rankin of Montana becomes the first American woman elected to Congress. The other Congressmen soon see the value of women in congressional offices, leading to the ratification of the "Intern Act" to allow many many more young women to access the vast educational values of fucking an old guy.

1918 to 1920
The Great War (World War I) intervenes to slow down the suffrage campaign as some--but not all--suffragists decide to shelve their suffrage activism in favor of "war work." The demand for working women leads to an almost 100% employment rate for hookers, nymphomaniacs and hootchie cootchie dancers.

August 26, 1920
The Nineteenth Amendment is ratified. Its victory accomplished, NAWSA ceases to exist, but its organization becomes the nucleus of the National League of Women Voters. It later merges with the American League of Women Voters, leading to the first Super Bowl. Elizabeth Cady Stanton leads the NY Fuglies to a hard-fought 7-0 victory over the San Francisco Bulldykes.

The National Woman's Party first proposes the Equal Rights Amendment to eliminate discrimination on the basis of gender. It has never been ratified, giving Lesbian History something besides abortion to bitch and moan about to this very day. That and how porn exploits women. Fuck them, click the pix and exploit all you like.

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