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Aaliyah Returns w/ Lisa 3rd Eye Lopez
This week's update by: doc    Last week's feature Sunny's Guide to Marriage

Aaliyah: "I'm just so happy to be working with another young star who has been raised from the dead. We stayed up all last night talking and snacking on babies watching the Faces of Death marathon and just laughing our asses off. Lisa is one funny and sweet-ass little girl, even if she is a freaky looking mutant!"
Lisa "Third-Eye" Lopes with her new look. "I love my new arms and legs, and I'm really looking forward to touring with Aaliyah. BabyGirl is one funny and sweet-ass girl, even if her soul is damned to eternal agony in the pits of hell!"

Los Angeles, CA-- Deceased pop-star Aaliyah held a press conference Wednesday announcing her upcoming tour with the reconstructed and rejuvenated Lisa "Third-Eye" Lopes after a successful operation to rebuild Lisa out of spare parts.

Flesheating R&B sensation Aaliyah, burnt alive and horribly disfigured in a plane crash in August 2001 and later resurrected from the grave in a Sansevarian Voodoo ritual, will combine forces with recently deceased and rebuilt Lisa "Third-Eye" (a 3rd one was installed in the gaping wound left in her forehed for extra mobility) Lopes for a 20-city "We Want To Eat Your Babies" tour.

Lopes's mortal body was damaged beyond repair in a car accident this week, giving her no chance to utilize the Zombie reanimation therapy that helped Aaliyah "BabyGirl" regain her semi-star status.

However, using body parts from a local morgue, Central American team led by pretigious mad scientist Jorge Franken-Rodriguez reconstructed Lisa as a humaniod-like protoplastic replicant popularly knows as a "Revenant".

"The alliance of the undead R&B phenoms has many benefits," said Franken-Rodriguez. "Her new diet of human flesh will perfectly compliment Aaliyah's all-brain diet."

"Up until now, Aaliyah has been killing folks, eating their brains, then discarding the carcass," said tour zombie-dietician LaWanda Felcher. "Now the entire corpse can be utilized in casseroles, pot-pies, cold-cuts for sandwiches, etc. I'm so very, very glad because my Momma taught me never to waste good food!" Felcher said, sucking the marrow from a finger bone while she prepared lunch for the stars.

Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, the most flamboyant and outspoken member of the multiplatinum trio TLC, perished in a car accident late Thursday night while she was vacationing in Honduras. Honduran President Julio Jesus Jimenez rushed his most insane mad scientists to the scene, pledging the use of any body limbs and organs they needed to reconstruct the fallen artiste. "We will even kill some people if not enough parts can be salvaged from available cadavers," he said on national TV this week, urging people to send their fresh, healthy young children to the site for organ harvesting. "It's the least we can do in return for the mas fino rap entertainment Lisa has given us," said President Jimenez, himself an undead zombie.

News of the young sociopathic star's death caused shock and consternation at Arista Records, but execs there quickly embraced Lopes in her new, mutant-monster form.

"No words can possibly express the sorrow and sadness I feel for this most devastating loss of Lisa as a human," Arista CEO I.M. Innitvordamuny said in a statement. "Lisa was not only a gifted and talented musical inspiration, but more importantly, she was a major source of revenue for the record company. We refuse to let a minor setback like death and the destruction of 60% of her body interfere with her career and our income. If this is anything like the Aaliyah death, the resulting publicity should boost record sales dramatically. We couldn't be happier!"

Lopes has been a center of controversy since she set fire to the home of her on-again, off-again boyfriend, asshole football star Andre Rison, in 1994. "She is one crazy ho," said Rison, who once threatened to "get even with that bitch by cutting the brake-lines on her SUV or something". He professed concern about the new, improved super-Third-Eye Lopes.

"Now that she is an indestructable, flesh eating Revenant-mutant, I pity the fool who taps that ass next," said Rison. "Her damn undead snatch will probably bite someone's jimmy right the fuck off. Goddam."

There is no word yet on how what material "Third Eye" and Aaliyah will be collaborating on for an upcoming album, but industry insiders have leaked some ideas the two are tossing around, including titles like covers of Python's "Decomposing Composers", a new version of an Aerosmith song: "Eat the Rich (and the Poor too, wtf)" as well as some original rap/hiphop by the duo including "Brains, Brains Brains, Every Night It's Brains!", "I Love You So I Ate Your Face Off", a romantic ballad "Put Your Love Into My Rotting Fuck-Hole Baby".

Industry analysists believe that now, with super-human strength and immunity from prosecution because of her death, "Third-Eye" will be much more sassy and controversial, and her new image will inspire merchandising in the form of action figures, comic books, fake arms and legs, and an entire line of Lisa Lopes "BabyFood" entrees, made of pure processed babies.

Reported by DWGazette Baseless Celebrity Rumors editor Stiv Bators
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