There is an epidemic which has a had a strangle hold on the internet for sometime now. No, it isn't the endless pop-ads for Bonzai buddy. It's something far more hideous. Something which somehow has gained a foothold not only on here but has also being accepted into the mainstream media machine. And also I suppose has helped Kleenex reach their monthly sales quota. Netsex. Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself for even having to type that word into my html editor. Netsex. Argh. Let's have a closer look at this foul term shall we.
"Net" "Sex" - completely different words that should conjure up completely different situations. Yet somehow these two words were placed together to describe an act which is, basically, some sad prick happily wanking away at their keyboard. Now without having to make this rant 12 paragraphs longer then it really should be, allow me to make something totally clear. Wanking isn't sex. Ok? Sex takes place between 2 people. One person sitting by themselves massaging kojaks head is not an act of sex. It's called something else, namely masturbation. Would you describe someone sitting on a stool masturbating as "StoolSex" ?
Perhaps he's riding the morning train to work, no don't arrest him officer, he isn't publicly masturbating.. he's having "TrainSex" And if that person happens to be sitting in front of a pc connected to a irc server, in a irc channel called "#KnobFisters" ? What would you call that ? It sure as hell isn't "netsex". Put the two together and what do you get ? Netubation. Which sounds more logical ? Netsex (which just sounds down right sad and pathetic) or the new improved patented term from SHITFIST "Netubation" Being the sensible citizen that you are I'm sure you would agree that this term works wonderfully well. And not only does it roll off the tongue with ease, it also changes a lot of social situations. Lets have an example:
Johnny is at work, sitting with his fellow upwardly mobile work mates as they enjoy their morning latte. The conversation turns, of all things, to what they got up to on night before on the net. Johnny is quick to pipe up and excitedly tell them that he "met" a "girl" on a chat room (as we all know, upwardly mobile dickheads have a habit of calling irc channels "chat rooms", seems they never really got over their AOL accounts). His friends ask if he "netsex"'d her. Johnny has no idea what the hell they're talking about but considers asking her if she'd like to try it.
Now, let's imagine the world has seen some sense and embraced my new term and rewind the story...
Johnny is at work, sitting with his fellow upwardly mobile work mates as they enjoy their morning latte. The conversation turns, of all things, to what they got up to on night before on the net. Johnny is quick to pipe up and excitedly tell them that he "met" a "girl" on a chat room (as we all know, upwardly mobile dickheads have a habit of calling irc channels "chat rooms", seems they never really got over their AOL accounts) His friends ask if he netubated. Johnny suddenly realizes his so called friends have a unhealthy interest in his masturbation habits and decides to not sit with these dirty bastards again. But not before throwing his latte over them, scalding their skin. People at the neighbouring tables laugh and join in the fun, also throwing their hot lattes over them ..
..Ok so I got a little into the scalding lattes a bit much there but I think you now have a general idea of the incredible impact this term could have on the internet, and society itself. No longer will "netsex" hold any interest to some 20-something magazines trying their best to keep up with the times and cover all things net related. No sir. The media circus will have to contend with a term that accurately describes the act of some sad ass sitting in room, in his mothers basement. Not some ridiculous term which has been romanticized to such lengths that some people actually think its a healthy sexual act. We here at SHITFIST will not stand for it any longer. And for the benefit of the Oxford Dictionary, here are its definitions:
Netubate - to take part in the act of masturbation while connected to a irc channel. Once mistakenly described as netsex by sweaty hairy little men who never left their mothers basement. Sentence example: "Hello sir, I wish to purchase this pc as I am planning to Netubate"
Netubator - Individual who is actively masturbating in a irc channel. Can also be used to describe anyone seen on irc with nicks that include the following words: HotBoy69, BigBear4U,RUAGIRL,Knobryder. Sentence example: "Hello sir, I wish to know if this pc would suit the needs of an active Netubator ?"
Netubation - the act of masturbation whilst connected to a irc channel. Sentence example: "Excuse me sir, you will have to leave the store. We do not allow public Netubation here"
Truth be known, this is not the first time that SHITFIST has attempted to have the term thrown into the pixel sewer that is the net. Once upon a time, way back in 1994 the ezine was actually given out as a text file from a Eggdrop bot called "UncleFister" on irc. This was when irc was full of anarchy, chaos and misrule. Yes it was truly the only time that IRC was worth being a part of. But alas, something dark and evil was stirring within a few channels, the rustling of tissues was a dead giveaway. The netubators had arrived. We let them be, for the most part because we didn't want to be seen in the same channel as these dirty little men. Eventually though, someone come along and give the sons of bitches the limelight. We couldn't believe it. These horrible little fucks who night after night would spit their thick phlegm onto their withering gentials were about to recieve some media attention. It was time for the Fisters to spring into action.
The media attention was coming from a source we already had grown a high dislike for; a radio program called "Pillow Talk" hosted by a woman who called herself Dr Feelgood (I know, its enough to make you puke isn't it) This program was popular with the yobbos of the time as they got the chance to air their dirty laundry about their mundane and pointless sex lives. Most calls came from men who claimed to be lonely. We laughed at their misfortune but our laughter soon turned to shock as we learnt this program was bringing its presence onto irc to commence a irc chat live on the radio. We knew what this would become.. a netubation-O-rama.
Then we realised perhaps this may be a good thing, a chance for our new term to become accepted at last. So with this hope we gathered some othe Fisters and entered the channel. What we witnessed was sheer horror.
150+ netubators. Nicks like BigStud and Nortymiss all joining in the celebration. We couldn't really understand what all the fuss was about until we realised that these pple were not only guilty of the crime of netubation but of also tailcoat riding. How incredibly sad we felt for those poor misguided souls. Then we laughed, laughed real hard. We remembered finding out the real name of Dr FeelGood. Dr Sally CockBurn. These morons whether they knew it or not were celebrating the arrival of what we now crowned the very Queen of Netubators. Anyway, eventually the Doc arrived and started taking questions online as well as on air. The questions were your garden variety type as you would expect, like "How does one remove tissue which has dried onto their genitals" and "Should I wipe away from the vagina rather then towards"?" We quickly grew tiresome of the boring banter and decided to ask the Doc what she thought of our new term. And what was her response ? We were kicked/banned from the channel for being lewd..lewd!? Here she was surrounded by filthy animals who's sole existance seemed to be pulling and fiddling with their privates and WE were the ones being lewd. Un-fucking-beliveable.
Amateur teen lesbians like this are a common subject in internet pornography, probably because a high percentage of teenage girls are daily involved in cunninglingus with their schoolmates, their soft cotton panties down around their ankles while the wriggling pink tongue of their best girlfriend parts their swollen labia, delving into the musky depths of their virginal love-tunnel. I could go on like this, but I'm only a caption writer, not a novelist. I wanted to be a novelist but my first effort was poorly received so I took this job to get by, and you know how things go, the kids start coming and the wife is out of work so you stay on, and before you know it the years have gone by and you're 43 and still captioning teen lezbo porn. But I digress. So ends the starry-eyed dream of my youth, crashing to the ground in flames like a Kennedy private jet, but w/o the papparazzi.
Eventually, after attempting the same thing every session she had online, we gave up. I can recall however the Doc sending myself a private message informing me that I should seek some therapy and perhaps some anger management classes. Like fucking hell I need to seek therapy or bloody anger management classes !!! Sheesh, the nerve of that woman. Anyways, she soon left irc and then off the media bandwagon totally. So here we are, a lot of years onwards and we are *still* determined to have our term known by the world. Y'know what Doc, I don't call that the act of someone needing therapy, I call that dedication. And I'm sure my readers would agree.