|Above: Police composite drawing of 'faceless coward' suspected of complicity in WTC attack.
New York City, NY--One year ago this week Doc Weasel and his team of crack reporters took to the streets to report on some of the stories the 'mainstream' news refused to 'cover' or even use 'quotation marks' around. These are some of the important 'sidelights' to the tragedy at the WTC on 9/11/01, revisited one year later.
BUSH ANNOUNCES IDENTITY OF TERROR MASTERMIND
President Bush, in a speech to the nation Wednesday, announced we are "under attack by a faceless coward" who is responsible for the acts of terrorism against the United States. Federal agents are on the look-out for anyone matching this description.
Citizens who may encounter this desperado should not attempt to capture or detain him, according to NYC Police spokesperson Biff Nelbow, but should "contact the proper authorities. Being a coward, he will most likely try to run away, but if he doesn't and tries to kill you in any way, its probably not him, just explain your mistake and you can both enjoy a good laugh all 'round," spokesperson Nelbow said between bites of a donut.
Police spokesman Glib Chatters told reporters the suspect posed special identification problems due to lack of eye color, race, facial hair or other characteristics.
Det. Dick Tracy of the Center City Police Dept. has told DWG reporters he has several suspects in mind, including No-Face and Faceless Bob.
--Reported by Doc Weasel Gazette contributor Heywood Jablomie
BEANIE BABY ENTHUSIASTS MOURN LOSS OF UNTOLD NUMBERS OF WORKSTATION BEANIES
|Colorful Beanie Babies, or 'beanies' as they are affectionately known, adorned many an office workspace in the WTC.
Beanie Baby lover Bethany Jacobs of 'Bethany's Beanie Babies Page' posted a tribute page Wednesday night in memorium of all the lost Beanie Babies in the WTC attack.
"Fifty-eight thousand people worked there, that means maybe 100 or 200 thousand Beanie Babies," wrote Bethany, in an email to Doc Weasel Gazette Wednesday night. "Some people I've known have had a dozen or more decorating their desks. These Beanies will never be found. When I think of their plush velvet bodies, torn and mangled, beneath tons of rubble, I could just..." her email ended, unable to continue in her grief she could only type three periods instead of finishing the sentence.
Bethany's "Beanie Remembrance Page" is dedicated to "the untold tragedy of the World Trade Center collapse, the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent Beanies".
"There might have been some really rare ones too," said Bethany in an IRC chatroom later that night. "There are like fifteen marsupial Beanies you very rarely see on EBay. I bet there were maybe some destroyed in the crash. Maybe a few will come out of the wreckage intact, but with each day that goes by, the chance of a viable beanie being found becomes more remote."
Bethany encourages visitors to sign her guestbook when surfing her page.
--Reported by Doc Weasel Gazette correspondent Stiv Bators
TRADITIONAL HIJACKERS DENOUNCE WTC SUICIDE HIJACKERS
|Above: Angry hijackers protest the unprofessional behavior of the WTC hijackers.
Angry retired and semi-active hijackers protested Wednesday against the actions of the WTC hijackers.
"These guys are nuts," said Jesus DeAlbrona, (San Antonia-Havana, 1979), "we hijacked planes back in the day as a political statement, sure, but we didn't run them into buildings, killing ourselves and all aboard, for Dios sake. At least not on purpose."
"These few bad apples are giving our avocation a black eye," said Shi-Ta Song (Chinese mainland-Taiwan, 1988). "I'm sorry, but this is just unprofessional. This is sloppy work and not at all representative of the kind of results most of us strive for. It's giving the very word 'hijacker' a negative connotation. Today I must say for the first time in my life I'm ashamed to be a hijacker."
Most old-school hijackers were just trying to get somewhere that wasn't on the commercial flight's normal itinerary. Wednesday's hijackers crossed the line, said Abdul D'Shah (Moscow-Kabul, 1972). "I always thought of it as like pulling the bell-cord for an unscheduled bus stop. Sure, there was some inconveniencing of the other passengers, but hey, it's not like being exploded into a blazing inferno, killing thousands and discommoding the passers-by. This sort of thing just isn't done. I'm just appalled. This is what happens when untrained, undisciplined, non-union hijackers are used. Experienced guys never make these kinds of errors."
The hijackers plan to boycott all flights with non-union hijackers aboard in future.
Reported by Doc Weasel cub reporter Dwayne Yurbaftub Imdrownin
MISCHIEVOUS SPOOLBOYS HAMPER RESCUE EFFORTS
|The young pranksters will use makeup or masks to simulate injuries, then lie down among the wounded.
Misguided hooligans, sporting fake blood, rubber scars, wax lips and plastic headwounds, are causing massive delays in the treatment of legitimately wounded and dead victims in the aftermath of Wednesday's World Trade Center collapse.
"They get these things from novelty shops and joke stores, or from ads in the back of comic books," said NYC Asst. Fire Marshall Jimbo Trample. "Some, like this one kid with an arrow through his head, we can tell are fake right off, but others are very lifelike. Then when we try to tend their injuries, they bounce up and run off, laughing. Its inappropriate and downright annoying. We are really busy and don't have time for such tomfoolery."
Sometimes they will jump up suddenly from among legitimately dead victims and shout "Wow, what happened?." surprising firemen and EMS workers.
"I guess its how they is raised these days," said paramedic Pete Weevil. "I was all ready to wrap this one kid up who looked like his intestines were hangin' out, when alluver sudden he busts out laughin' and I see I got a handful of pig guts. I was like, "ewwww, gross."
There are also reports of suspected vampires requesting free transfusions and zombies pretending not to be undead so as to get into morgues for free snacks of the tasty brains therein. Authorities claim they will frown on all such shenanigans.
Reported by Doc Weasel staff writer Jub-Jub
HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITER PLANS TO SUE BIN LADEN FOR THEFT OF "INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY"
|Above: This news photo (left) is almost identical to a story-board drawing (right) from Jerry Bruckheimer's new screen treatment, claims the writer.
Screenwriter Jerry Bruckheimer, the brains behind many a Hollywood blockbuster, has filed suit in Los Angeles Civil Action Court today against Osama bin Laden and several unnamed co-conspirators for allegedly stealing his (Bruckheimer's) idea for a movie.
"Ok, in my treatment, these terrorists, Arabs of course, hijack a plane, just like in the scene yesterday, then WHAMMO. they crash it into the WTC, causing a big explosion, massive damage, pyrotechnical mayhem, expensive post-production effects, etc. etc., and up rolls this guy and does it real-time, with no union camera crew and grips busting his ass, no filming releases or permits, no production values, nothing, and rips my whole multi-million dollar idea off for the price of a measly jet airliner," said Bruckheimer from his Hollywood mansion via cellphone.
Vincent Thincotuvslime, Bruckheimer's entertainment industry lawyer, contends he (Bruckheimer) has put hours of work into this idea. "I think the second plane thing was overkill, but he was still basically jamming off Jerry's original riff. There is a very clear precedent, Clinton had to fork over big bucks when he virtually lived out Gore Vidal's next novel idea. Its textbook stuff."
"Man, was I pissed when I saw the news," said Bruckheimer. "I am gonna sue the balls off this bin Lala guy, I just hope he has a good lawyer. He will never, and I mean never
work in this town again if he fucks with Jerry Bruckheimer. The whole thing just reeks. I think Sony or maybe those Dreamworks pricks are in on it. If Spielberg is behind this whole thing I hope we bomb his studio back to the silent era."
Reported by Doc Weasel entertainment columnist Howdy Doodatt
WISTFUL CLINTON REGRETS MISSING MOTHER OF ALL "I FEEL YOUR PAIN" MOMENTS
|Above: Clinton mugs for the camera as he gives photogs an example of the 'lip-biting' I feel your pain acting he used to perfection as president.
Golfing in Australia, disgraced former president Bill Clinton was somewhat crestfallen and disappointed at hearing the news of the WTC disaster.
"Oh yeah, terrible tragedy and all that, but wow, its times like these I really miss being president," said the ex-chief exec, best known for his self-destructive sexual escapades and his failed administration.
"I know I could have totally blown the public away with my bathos/pathos/empathy combo while addressing the nation on all the networks, live. God I miss that shit."
Clinton went on to say that giving speeches after and visiting site of tragic events was about the only thing he ever felt he really did right as president.
"That idiot Bush will just fuck it up, acting all bland and presidential. You gotta milk those moments, its only after its over you realize how rare they really are."
The president went on to exhibit his ability to produce real tears on demand, and present 5 different kinds of caring, concerned looks while listening to comments about the weather, dirty stories or even Monica jokes.
|Above: Senator Rodham-Clinton reacts to the news of the tranny-hookers.
"None of that stuff bothers me any more," laughed the president, who seemed in a very jovial mood.
"You wanna know the really funny thing, or maybe sad thing? Now I can get a blow-job any time I want and no one gives a flying fuck at a rolling donut. But now that I'm not president, no one wants to.
Ain't that some shit? Hey, guys, I gotta go, I gotta get this round in before seven, we got some tranny hookers coming up to the room. So what happened, a plane wreck in New York or something? Terrible, just terrible," he said, biting his lip concernedly. "See, I still got the chops." he said, grinning boyishly."
Reported by Doc Weasel political analyst Geraldo Revolver
MORE WTC: 1 YEAR LATER FEATURES: