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I Smell Bacon
This week's update by: Verisimilitude    Last week's feature WTC Redux

Six months ago, I got my drivers license suspended due to a 12-point violation. Now I want to make it very clear that I rarely speed. And when I do speed, I never go more than 10 miles over the speed limit. I have gotten busted for going as low as 6 miles over the speed limit and I once even got a ticket for going 4 miles under the speed limit. My problem isn’t blatant disrespect for the law. My problem is my unwillingness to blow some fat balding pig in a uniform.

So, like I said before, I suffered a six month suspension and my insurance skyrocketed. Obviously, it would have been impossible for me to hold a job without transportation, so I had to spend a ridicules amount of money on some piece of shit lawyer to get me work driving privileges. Ironically, I would have had to spend less time and money obtaining these ‘privileges’ if I had received a DUI. If you ask me, a person with a belly full of vodka is more of a danger to the road than little ol’ me who got caught going 31 in a 25. And besides, was the court trying to punish me for speeding or put me on welfare?

The justice system is all fucked up.

So last weekend, I’m driving to work when suddenly I smell bacon. I check my rearview mirror and sure enough one of the swine is tailing me. I check my speed limit real quick and I see that I am going EXACTLY the speed limit. I briefly wonder to myself what the little piggy is doing following me when he could be cramming donuts in gluttonous face. Someone even told me that they were having a sale on glazed this week...

As I’m thinking this to myself, I see the flashing lights. Fuck me! Could the limey bastard read my mind now? Obediently, I pull over and go searching through my bag looking for my driving privileges.

I hear a tap on the window. I roll it down and come face-to-face with the fattest police officer I have ever seen in my life. I mean, how did this guy get through the academy?! He looked like he had never run a mile in his whole heart problem ridden LIFE. I’m sorry, looking at porky pig and his multitude of chins did not make me feel safe. How was this guy supposed to defend me against the dregs of society? He broke a sweat waddling to my fucking car!

"Ma’am, can I see your license and registration?"

"My drivers license was suspended, sir. But I got driving privileges for work…which is where I’m heading" (I showed him my paperwork)

"Ma’am, do you realize that today is the 29th?"

"Yessir, I realize that they expire today and I have plans to go to the BMV Monday and get my license back..."

"But they expired on the 19th...ten days ago."

(Sound of me banging my head up against the steering wheel)

"Step out the car please."

So he frisked me, cuffed me and carted me off to jail. A friend of mine bailed me out of jail ($250) and I was late to work The next day, I called the tow company and learned the my license plates were seized and I would have to get new ones to get my car back. Well I couldn’t get new plates until I paid my re-registration fee to the BMV and since I needed my ID to do this, I made a trip up to the tow company to get my wallet out of my car. (I wasn’t allowed to get my belongings before my car was towed)

Surprise, surprise. My wallet was stolen. So I couldn’t get my ID. So I couldn’t get my license back. So I couldn’t get new plates. So I couldn’t get my car. Obviously perturbed, I demanded to speak to a manager.

"My wallet was stolen. All my credit cards, money, and ID were in there."

"We’re not liable."

"Whaddaya mean, ‘your not liable?’ I am paying you a shit load of money to keep my car and it’s contents safe! Who the fuck is liable then?!"

"I’ve worked here for 20 years and we’ve never had anything stolen out of a car...yada, yada, yada..."

"So WHAT?! How many wallets have to be stolen before you DO something about it?"

"What do you suggest I do? Confront all my employees and call them all thieves? Is that how things are handled in your place of employment?"

"Every job I’ve had, someone is held responsible for the valuables. When money is stolen, someone is usually fired and the person is compensated. I think that’s how things are handled in the real world."

He walked away from me. I called the police. They informed me that they weren’t liable. At this point, I got furious. I mean, when I’m going a little over the speed limit, I got 12 pigs following me with hard-ons. But when something is stolen from me, when a taxpaying citizen has been violated, NO ONE IS FUCKING LIABLE!!!

So I said to myself, fuck the law. I borrowed my friends car (Thanks Erin) and drove all over the state of Ohio gathering up all the paperwork I needed to get my car back. Four days and $500 in fees later, I am on the road again. And if anyone visiting this site is a ‘police officer’ from the state of Ohio, I have but one thing to say to you:

EAT ME PIGGY!

--Verisimilitude
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