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Frenchies Unveil Plan to Subdue Iraqis With Sauces
This week's update by: doc     Last week's feature Best Metal 2002

French Foriegn minister Dominique de Villepin (r) and France's manliest soldier (l) toast their surrender to Iraq.

Paris, France--French President Jacques Chirac offered to mediate disarmament talks with Iraq and avert a possible war by soothing the Iraqis with pungent spicy sauces the French are famous for. Speaking at a decoration ceremony naming Sgt. Valery D'iscard de Zhoker France's "Sauciest Soldier" at "Le Coque Merde" basic training camp where French recruits are instructed in culinary combat. Foreign minister Dominique de Villepin joined the president in saluting de Zhoker for maintaining "a proud French tradition of men with girl's names".

The event was a special military review of France's elite "Surrender Forces" who demonstrated such famous French manuevers as the precision "running backwards quickly while blowing kisses" that was so effective against the Nazis in WWII.

French sauce stockpiles

Regarding what Chiraq called "America's bossy attitude" toward the Iraqis, he called upon President Bush to emulate the French and try other diplomatic techniques before resorting to war. "The French have employed a number of successful ploys in avoiding war throughout history," Chiraq said with a snotty accent. "Before dropping bombs, we often employed the rapid retreat, the abandon territory, the se sauve (run away) and our most famous, the 'collaborate with the occupiers' gambit."

In a speech following the awards ceremony, Chiraq reviled the war-mongering American cowboys for their constant resorting to violence instead of diplomacy.

"The 20th century was replete with examples of the US interference in the affairs of other countries and imperialist, warlike intentions. We had the Germans right where we wanted them, when the vicious Americans invaded our sovereign territory and provoked a conflict on the peaceful beaches of Normandy," he said. "We had neatly avoided a long-drawn out war with Hitler by giving up quickly. The French pioneered the use of the surrender as a means to averting war for centuries. When we are unable to surrender quickly enough, we also employ the Take a good ass-kicking technique that worked so well against Henry V at Agincourt, when a group of English soccor hooligans defeated the entire French army."

French hero, Jerry Lewis

Dominique de Villepin offered to negotiate a surrender to Iraq as a means of avoiding a "costly and bloody conflict, which we French folk deplore." He then called upon President Bush to heed the report by the member's of France's eminent think tank Fromage Manger les Singes de Reddition (cheese eating surrender monkeys).

Villepin stressed that although he was advocating peace, the Iraqis should not underestimate the French resolve to back down when threatened. Other ceremonies and a planned War Games simulation of a French attack on a terrorist encampment was called off when one of the soldiers broke a nail.

Report by DWGazette Music and Unfounded Rumor editor, Smedley GamblePutty
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