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Yoko Ono Sues Peaceniks for Unauthorized Use of Peace
This week's update by: doc     Last week's feature Peace Idiots

Full page ad taken out in the NY Times today staking out Ono's claim to the exclusive use of Peace, both as a word and a concept.

New York City-- Today Yoko Ono Lennon took out a full-page advertisement in the New York Times and other major papers around the world proclaiming her exclusive use of the word and concept of "Peace", claiming it was invented and pioneered by her late husband, Beatle John Lennon.

The move is seen as the latest ploy to wring every dollar out of the mouldering corpse of her dead husband, no matter what the cost to his legacy.

Ono's corporate lawyers- Dewey, Cheatum & Howe announced today that copyright infringement and unauthorized use of intellectual property against several peace organizations, the French and Pope John Paul II. They were granted a temporary injuction closing down the International Red Cross and the Quaker religion. Buddists were ordered to begin picking fights as early as this weekend in a proactive remedy to decades of unlicensed use of Peace.

In the field of bootlegged Peace entertainment products, Ono's lawyers have filed a series of injunctions and complaints, and won several important rulings. All 'Kung-Fu' television reruns and 'Hulk' episodes are also ordered re-edited with the fight scenes at the beginning and all overt scenes of peace and non-violence cut out. Movies and TV shows with peaceful content are expected to now bear warnings and ratings, depending on how much and the intensity of the Peace portrayed. Ono will be entitled to a cut of the profits of any show that utilizes the concept of Peace, which analysts estimated will bring an end to egregious Peace pirating by shows like "Touched by an Angel" and "Teletubbies". This week's "7th Heaven" has already been reshot, with instead of an episode about caring and sharing, the Rev. Eric Camden kicks the shit out of his wife, Annie, and molests some kids.

Ono has never been shy of asserting rights of the estate and using it as a cash cow since her husband's death. She last caused controversy when she sold Lennon's skull as an ashtray at a Sotherby's auction, bringing an estimated US210.3 million dollars from an Arab shiek who claimed to be a "total Beatles freak" and who claimed the ashtray would only be used for non-tobacco products, "as would be John's wish, " said a spokesman for the family. Various other body parts and organs have been fashioned into jewelry, commemorative pendants and even lampshades and soap.


Ono, lovely as ever

Other controversial money-grubbing ploys of Ono have made headlines in recent years and both disgusted and saddened fans of the late rock musician, including selling many of his songs for use in corporate advertising John deplored, releasing unfinished and rough versions of some of Lennon's songs, allowing cheap lithographs to be made of his drawings and artwork and used in magazine and print ads, exhibition of his stuffed and preserved body in a "Beatlemania" exhibit, sale of various internal organs and genitals to collectors, and use of his DNA to clone a dozen "John Lennon sound-alikes" to tour the US signing autographs and performing in tribute bands.

"John would have wanted his family taken care of. He wanted us to live comfortably so we could dedicate our lives to meditation and work for World Peace. We require many billions of dollars to do this properly. Peace is not cheap, as the French will find out if the Iraq War does not break out soon," said Ono, in a televised news conference Wednesday afternoon. "We plan to charge every peacemarcher who uses "Give Peace a Chance" or even the word "Peace" on their placard, website or even in speeches. We are currently working on securing the rights to "All You Need is Love" and the word "Love" as well."

Ono is also exploring the possiblity of seeking damages against Mr. Roger's estate for infringement of the her exclusive rights to "Imagine" with his "Neighborhood of Make-Believe" and encouraging children's unlicensed use of their Imagination.

"We consider it an infringement that Iraq and the US are even AT peace right now," said Hugh Cheatam, Ono's main law advisor. "The concept was very clearly created by John and he went to great lengths to popularize it and promote it world-wide. These dillitantes aren't just going to steal his work and use it for nothing."

Ono has dispatched teams of hired goons to bash heads and even kill peace marchers who refuse to stop advocating Peace without permission. She has also secured a temporary injunction forcing the US to resume hostilities with Viet-Nam until the legal ramifications of the Paris Peace Treaty can be resolved.

"No Pay, No Peace!" chanted Ono supporters outside her Dakota apartment, where John Lennon was shot over 22 years ago. Vendors for Ono Enterprises sold souvenir autopsy photos, bullet keychains and Mark David Chapman voodoo dolls.

Ono also plans on suing Courtney Love for infringing on her "rock widow" persona.

"Curt didn't even get assassinated, he shot himself," Ono sneered. "That's no way to start a merchandising campaign."

Report by DWGazette Music and Unfounded Rumor editor, Smedley GamblePutty
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