What's New and Exciting in Iraq!
This week docweasel.com's top reporter on the Hollywood gossip beat, Jeremy Taters, gives an up to the minute report on the state of the war in Iraq
Our guys on one end of a gun and dead Iraqis on the other is pretty much the story over there from what I can gather.
Baghdad, Iraq -- Well if you have been watching the news at all, you know the big 'showpiece' battle of the Iraq Freedom war is set to begin tonight, all the preperations are ready, the rehearsals and such have been a great big fat greek success and now our boys in those rough and tumble desert camos are set to duke it out with the vaunted "Republic of Guards" respendant in those striking Kelly-green uniforms set off so daringly with red epaulets. I think the berets make a nice statement as well, rakish yet macho, worn at a jaunty angle even though it might be tough to keep one on your head whilst legging it to the rear but most Iraqis are keeping their white hankies near-by so who knows, maybe they won't have to worry about all that tiresome "retreating in good order" business. And the checkered headscarf also seems to be au courant with the freelance Iraqi guys, also known as the Fredajeans.
Ok so prelims: Saddam "Sam" Hussman has been appearing regularly on Iraqi TV, looking tanned and fit and ready for trouble, ok they say, so he seems to dwell on events and such from weeks ago but hey, maybe the guy's a bit nostalgic for the weapons inspectors and the French hugs he kept getting a few weeks ago, cause come on let's face it, it hasn't been tea in the park with Morey since the US military has been in country if you get my drift! I watched some CNN the other night and it just looks to me like we are raising holy heck over there bombing and what-not and that can't be a good thing. If nothing else he probably has a hard time getting a good night's rest and come on, a dictator's work is never done. Its torture torture pose for giant mural torture rape oppress, then its time for my morning break and so on if you were able to peek in his daily planner I bet.
So the opening night, what the President and his entourage did was send a special gift wrapped ©Cruise (no relation to Tom) missile greeting to Saddam and rumors are he's demised but who can say for sure, the CIA probably knows but they aren't telling a soul, not even his dibs Prez George Jr. Saddam's sons, Orky and Doogie, haven't been seen either but if President Bush shot a missile at me every time I popped my pretty little head up I would keep a low profile too. I mean who wouldn't, its just good sense. Does a madman have good sense? How do I know I'm no psychiatrist but anyhoo.
General Timmy Franken, our main honcho has been on the podium giving long "briefings" which seems like a contradiction in terms to me, I tried to sit through one in preperation for writing this article so I'd be up on what's being bombed and who's getting killed and what all is being invaded and conquered and embedded and etc. but it was this ghastly dreary long talky thing with charts and pointers and no decent audio/visual at all. Some computer-generated special effects would have been a real attention-span aids, hey George Lucas, maybe the folks over there at Industrial Light and Magnet could spice the whole thing up and give it some entertainment value but what do I know, I'm no GI Jo-type, I'm just a 'umble noodnik and all the other reporters seemed enthralled so I tried to keep an interested look on my face. Although now I think of it I did play with action figures as a kid, and even today still collect vintage Barbies and have some from my childhood but you know me, the old pack-rat, I never threw anything away, I've got TV Guides from all the great 80's sit-coms and I flip through them for fun "Saturday, 8:30pm: Family Ties: Alex drives the family batty with his wild schemes. Hijinks ensue" and I remember back and how we laughed at those episodes. Oh my, good times my friend, good times.
Ok sorry no video just stills but I can supply some realistic sound effects for you: BOOM! POP! BANG! ARGH UH, GOT ME!
But about the war, some people are saying Saddam is dead and some are saying he's hiding out but never count people out, just when you think the old career is over you get a second shot. I mean, you know what everyone said the same thing about Charles Laughton, and look what happened there.
Oh and I caught the whole flap over Mickey Moore's Oscar gaffe where he apparently said the war is wrong or words to that effect, anyway I gathered he didn't support it whole-heartedly and he took some razzing from the audience about that but hey, what are you going to do, it happens in Hollywood, you wow them one day then the next your out on your keister, meester, but he'll come bouncing back smiling for the next war, watch and see.
Scuzzy protesters have been hamming it up for the cameras all over this great land of ours and I especially like the people who have the clever costumes, like an oil well pumping in and out of a big vagina labeled "Irock" was really cute, I'm not sure of the political point behind it but I had to laugh at the expression on some of the Mom's in the crowds faces. Priceless! Stick it to the man, whitey! People power!. Whatever they are for, I'm right there with them, I always protest the popular cause of the week with all my heart. Where can I get a ribbon for this one?
Oh and in a somber side-note, I have the sad duty to report: The AIDS ribbons don't seem to be working. When will medical science quit depending on Hollywood stars to solve every problem. Heck, we fixed the South Africa Apartment problem and freed Howie Mandela, what more do they want. But in other entertainment news it get worse for on-aid personalities when Tom Broker busted up crying when he was interviewing some soldier's Mom. Hey Tom, its war, people are going to die, hello! You have to break some eggs to make a souffle, am I right or am I right?
And then to add insult to injury that really depressing reporter Peter Arness got in some kind of brouhaha about an interview he gave and he described the week's debut week in less than glowing terms and he got the sack from both MSNBA and National Geographic (you know that show about the magazine you read as a kid just to see the third-world ladies bare buzzooms! god, can you say control bra?) but I never could really get into his reports they were always so depressing and down, Mr. Gloom and Doom would be a good little sobriquet for Mr. Arness- hey look at me, I think you should always try to add some upbeat touches to a report, no matter what its on, like; mention what didn't get bombed or what school kids didn't get blown up, which, by the way might be the shorter version these days! I'm joking, see there's how you add a bit of fun to a report. Take a note, Pete!
Well anyways, I did watch a couple updates and I do actually have some late breaking news for you: there's been some deaths on our side, yes, I don't want to be a Nattering Nelly but that's the hard truth and some of our people were taken prisoner and paraded on Iraqi TV, no makeup, no hair work, nothing, apparently Iraqi off-air prep people are just non-existant during this time of stress or maybe its part of the Iraqi "psy-ops" to make Americans go on camera looking really bad, camera glare, bed-head etc. trying to lower our prestige overseas, where in fact they love us, always have, and let me tell YOU a thing or 2 Mister Saddam Heston, we won't be dismissed so lightly and you'll pay for those atrocities later. Uncle Sam will be right on you so watch your butt. I've seen local cable shows with more production value so if that's any indication of the level of sophistication they have over there no wonder they getting a royal butt-kicking from our mighty Marine Corps.
Let me see what else. Seems like there's been some grousing from some of the other Arab countries and their caliphs and emirs and whatever they have over there have been pretty upset but that's always the way, everyone's a critic and has to get their 2 cents in. I say to them: you try running a war, from what I can see its a major production and takes a world of planning and rehearsal and then wouldn't you know something unexpected always pops up and leaves you hanging so lighten up you Arab guys, they are doing their best and all.
Peter Arness who pretty much might as well have blown Saddam Houseman on air from what I hear, he really just made things worse with his comments- some people should know when to pipe down but that's what they said about me at last year's Xmas party when I went on a rant about Cher, so what are you going to do, you know?.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the US newsguys are looking all warlike all dolled up in military gear and riding right along with the soldiers in the tanks and Humvees which must really be a hoot to go along, I'd love to but the heat and dust must just be hellish
and I'm bronchial anyway so I'd take a pass but watching them on TV I am a bit envious but everyone is. Did you catch Geraldo's act, god that man just gets on my tits with his machismo Hispanic war-guy trip and even his moustache looks dangerous when he's got his dander up, facing the camera over his shoulder as is his wont. A few months ago he was saying he was going to take a pistol and hunt down Osaddam bin Ladle but if he ever did is more than I know but at least he tried. That's more than Dan Rather or Connie Chung has done.
Oh and by the by, Rosie "O" Donnell's live in lezzie has changed her name to Rosie's just like a real married couple so their little adoptees are no longer surrogate bastards so that's an improvement, I must say that.
Well *big sigh* that's all that's happening that I've been able to catch, hope you are older but wiser for having read this and let me just finish by saying everything seems to be running pretty smooth and the reviews aren't in yet but I'm sure our boffo performance so far has lived up to the pre-show hype and that's why American's and their entertainment are adored the world over. Everybody is glued to their sets for the newest bulletin and nothing else is going on this time of year anyway so its something to talk about. You may remember there hasn't been a really popular news story since OJ although there were those plane wrecks in NYC if you recall, wasn't that awful? It did lead to some really entertaining and star-studded charity events so just shows to go ya, every black cloud has a silver lining.
I'm getting ready for Easter, I have a really great outfit planned for little "parade" I take part in and Spring is right around the corner so cheer it up, it may never happen as they say and tune in next week for my next installment if they war isn't over yet or maybe we will have moved on to the next country, I've heard we aren't too pleased with the French and I always thought a good whipping in a war was just what they needed, they probaby wouldn't be so snotty if they had ever gotten one so kishes and big hugs from your war correspondant, Jeremy.
--docweasel.com Hollywood reporter Jeremy Taters