To access docweasel.com MEMBERS' SECTIONS register for DWF
Check out the world-famous Doc Weasel Forum

So You're Thinking of Offing Yourself
This week's update by: doc     Last week's feature Lesbian Cyber Sex
This week docweasel.com tries to help those in pain deal with the question of taking your own life. Find more help on DWF

suicide... read this first
suicide... read this first
If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings, quite the contrary. I'm sure you have good reasons for feeling as you. Perhaps you are a real loser and your life is just one big crock of steaming, festering dogshit. Death may be a welcome and rational release for a hopeless, suffocating, soul-crushing existance. I just don't want you to fuck it up and cause others needless suffering just because you are as inept as you are pethetic.

Now let me say, I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain, as well as knowing what it is like to cause great pain. Three members of my family, as well as my wife, lover and therapist all committed suicide and I think I can say with all due modesty my presence in their lives was a major contributing factor. In fact, I had some small part to play in each of their decisions, and in some cases the actual act. So you see, you are dealing with the voice of experience here. I'm from the Kavorkian School of suicide therapist method: putting off the inevitable isn't always the best course.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, but just didn't have the balls to go through with it, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a lot of smarmy suggestions from some smart-ass webblogger, so I am going to keep this short. We really shouldn't waste time yammering when you are suffering- that's all time you could be bleeding to death or suffocating in your garage. The best thing is to get to the suicide while you are still in maximum emotional pain and the voices are at their most demented. You wouldn't believe how many people, when they hesitate and take the time to consider, will back out like pussies. Don't be that person. For once in your worthless life, follow through on something! Not like the karate lessons and all those diet books in the closet. This is something you should do to yourself for yourself.

I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I wonít argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad, and those loved ones who have to deal with your sad-sack ass aren't too happy either. There are probably some reasons why you feel bad, and I'm willing to bet those reasons are not going to change for you. In fact, in all probability they will probably intensify to the point where you just feel the dark despair and evil thoughts closing in on you, choking you and tearing your mind apart like so many maggots writheing and squirming in your brain. Let's not let it get that far. You may end up doing harm to someone who does have a reason to live.

Well, youíre still reading, and thatís very good. Iíd like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that youíre at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest depths of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal, but we are going to end those doubts. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure, and being unsure is no way to go into something this important. If you feel happy or hopeful thoughts creeping in, you may want to do some drugs or drink some alcohol. Maybe call your Mom. That should put things in perspective.

Now I'm not saying you should take all this lightly. This is in some ways the most serious and hopefully, the final act of your life. You don't want to botch it and end up blind, a cripple or a mental half-wit. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. We've got to kill that part of you before we can kill you. So letís work on to that, and keep that psychotic dementia going.

Start by considering this statement:

ďSuicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain, and the means and will to commit suicide exceed the whiny, sniveling cowardice that stops people from going through with the decisive and brave act, that when analyzed objectively, is the only rational course of action.Ē

Thatís what its all about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. In fact, it may be the most reasonable, logical response to your useless, futile, grindingly banal and worthless life. It doesnít even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now, but not enough to have the courage to go through with the one permanent solution to unhappiness known to man.

If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. (Thatís why itís useless for someone to say to you, ďcheer up!Ē - of course you would, if you could.) We have to work on adding more weight until we reach the "tipping point" where the emotional pain gets so intolerable that the physical agony of cutting your own throat will be a relief compared to the torture in your soul.

Let's look at the facts. What kind of job do you have, and what are the prospects for future employment? Most likely, going by your degenerate character and morbid mental outlook, its going to be a really low paying, depressing, unfulfilling to the point of wanting to tear your eyeballs out and hurling them at the boss. I'm sure you have years and years of boring, stifling, soul-sucking and demeaning labor at slave wages ahead of you. You aren't ever going to get ahead. Things will just keep breaking down and prices going up and you'll sink deeper and deeper into debt until they take everything you have. You may even end up in prison. Life is just one big bowl of feces and always has been for you. And its going to get worse as you get older.

Next, what about relationships? A wacko like you, 99.999% of the time, doesn't have any. More likely, you are alone with little chance of ever hooking up in a loving, kind, wholesome relationship. If you have one at all, its probably destructive, codependant and spiteful, two people tearing each other apart mentally and a series of brutal arguments and fights alternating with periods of seething resentment and hatred. Or, you just got dumped because you aren't worthy of the love of your ex-significant other. And let's face it, they were probably right to get as far away from a whack-job like you. Look at you, getting ready to off yourself. They might have gotten caught up in some pathetic murder-suicide deal where your worthless puny sickness takes them out too. They may actually have a reason to live. You don't.

I'm guessing you've alienated your entire family by now. Of course, you never were really close to them, other than when various relatives were sexually molesting you. Your parents never have loved you and your death will be a blessed relief to everyone involved. On the other hand, if they do give a rat's ass about you, think of how sorry they will be when you are gone! That'll show 'em!

Ok, I think that professionally, relationship-wise and family-wise you are pretty much toast already. The feelings you are having are valid and healthy, and completely justified. You can handle suicidal feelings if you do one of 3 things:
(1) find a way to reduce your pain,
or
(2) find a way to increase your coping resources.
or
(3) find a gun, rope, razor, prescription or illicit drugs, a hose and an exhaust pipe, a high ledge, or a body of water big enough to submerge your head at minimum. Let's look at our options, shall we?:

1
Guns, knives, razors and firearms: This is the popular choice for men, on the theory that women don't wanna fuck up their looks even at death, and that the fairer sex prefers a more passive form of self-destruction. The best method of shooting yourself is the Hitler Position: put the barrel in your mouth and aim for the top of your head. This avoids lobotomizing yourself if you chicken out at the last minute and pull the gun away using the old Temple Aerator side of the head procedure. For added excitement, only load half the chambers, then you can experience the little jolt of adrenaline for each empty click, leading to the payoff. But this is just a little fun tip, you probably just want to go with a quick death shot, as a beginner.

Razors and knives are good if you are into pain. Hari-kari type abdominal wounds are excruciating and are only for atoning for extreme shame. Still, you may what to give it a try. Slitting wrists is for pussies. Don't do it unless you are a whiny little rich girl as portrayed by Winona Ryder. Even then you are going to look like a giant dork. It's just so cliche. I'd try one of these other methods instead. Let's move on.

2
Jumping: If you are a natural extrovert, you can't go wrong with a jumping. You can draw it out to great effect, get on the news, and give thousands the thrill of a lifetime when your body hurtles to the pavement and explodes like a Hefty bag full of chicken guts. Just make sure a) you pick a building high enough. A broken spine and quadroplegia is a pretty pathetic end to a really spectacular fall. b) you don't let the cops grab you off the ledge. They have nothing but contempt for you and you will be the laughingstock of the state mental ward. Your bedwetting has already garnered you enough shame, don't add to it.

3
Poison, toxins and drugs: Do the research. Get on the internet for once and do the reading. One poor suffering soul I know took 20 Valium and ended up extremely mellow but did not even come close to brain-death. Think of suicide as a job: you have to be aware of what you are working with, KNOW YOUR TOOLS! Also, unless you are into that sort of thing, some poisons can cause extreme pain. If you choose that route, leave room for writheing in agony and pick a secluded place for the agonized screaming you are going to be doing as you attempt to claw your own guts out. Drano is not a bad choice here.

4
Drowning: Rough way to go, but effective. One good way is to pick a large body of water near your locale, be it a lake, ocean, retention pond, toilet, what have you. Swim out until you are too exhausted to tread water, then go under and take a big wet lungful of the blessed relief brothers and sisters! Keep inhaling the water until you feel a peaceful calm, then sink gracefully to the bottom for your well-deserved eternal rest. No, I'm just kidding with you. Actually, after the first lungful, you'll feel an terrifying, crushing pressure on your lungs as they fill with fluid and begin to expand. Then you may experience some extreme sensations of panic as your brain feels like it is splitting in two from lack of oxygen. This is normal, nothing to be afraid of, go with that panic. This will tire you and bring your demise just that much quicker. But boy, you are in for some serious discomfort as your lungs burn like they are on fire, which is odd since they are full of water. Funny how that works, when you think about it. That reminds me, self-immolation is not a bad choice if you have an aversion to water. Nothing like achieving the thrill of Human Bonfire. which brings us to:

5
Spectacular Scenarios: You can go with more complicated methods, like strapping a jet engine onto your car or ridiculous stuff like that to get yourself on the Darwin website. Or you can go for maximum media exposure, perhaps netting your surviving relatives some serious cash in movie, book and tabloid rights by sniping, hostage taking, suicide bombing. There are huge potentials for career advancement as a suicide in the Middle East. The problem is, the more complicated a plan is, the more chances it could go wrong and you could end your little adventure not only still alive, but mutilated, maimed, and/or uglier and dumber than you are now, and perhaps physically unable to kill yourself next try. If you are serious about this, and I think you are, simplicity is the key. A good stout length of rope and a solid beam are your friends, not a 12 hour standoff with the ATF. Believe me on this one.

Well I hope this little article has helped you find the inner strength to do what needs to be done. Don't let these touchy-feelie, namby pamby types nuts talk you out of this. You know how miserable you feel, and you are just getting older and fatter. Its only going to get worse until you are too decrepit to take your death into your own hands. Die now while you can still leave a reasonalby good looking corpse and before baseball season really gets going. Good luck! :)

contact us with comments, complaints or suggestions email docweasel.com
join the discussion or bitch and rant at will at DWF forum

home / frontpage / dwf / humor / babes / comix / blog / music / movies