Governor Dean Announces "Cut and Run" Strategy for Iraq
American soldiers surrender to Al-Qaeda in this artist's conception of Dean's war plan.
ó Governor Dean today announced his new "Cut and Run" plan for Iraq in which the afternoon he is inaugurated he will order all US military personel to drop their weapons, abandon any and all military equipment, desert all posts and board B-12 Transport planes for an immediate evacuation from Iraq.
"I feel the best offense is a good retreat," said Dean. "We can best serve the nation and the Iraqi people by getting our white asses out of their territory at the earliest possible moment. Let the towel-heads handle the fall-out," he said.
Dean spelled out his plan to loot the Iraq National Museum and all Iraqi financial institutions in an effort to recoup as much of the 87 billion that has already been spent there.
"Hey, they owe us," Dean said. "There is no reason to be apologetic here. Fuck those camel-monkeys. What are they going to do, suicide bomb citizens in American cities?" the Governor said laughing.
Gov. Dean has been studying French military manuals for tactical and stratigic tips on "winning" the peace in Iraq.
"France was able to outwit the Nazies by surrendering, then setting up a collaborationist Vichy Republic," said Dean. "Then they were free to live as they liked, within limits. I think the United States can learn a lot from France. I will begin negotiating with the N. Koreans next."
Gov.Dean's negotiating chips will be cedeing Hawaii, Guam and all U. S. possession in the Pacific as well as an $8 trillion US yearly payment to N. Korea in return for a promise Kim Il Jong will not launch his missiles without prior permission from the United States.
Howard Dean has a "revolutionary" idea for ending poverty in America.
Governor Dean Plans 99.9% Income and Corporate Tax, Retroactive To 1776
Montpelier, Vermont - After nationalizing most U. S. industries, media and corporations, Howard Dean would then tax almost all income, savings and personal property at confiscatory levels.
"Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can," said Dean in a speech today. "No need for greed or hunger, etc. etc. The government will supply all the citizens needs. There will be no need for individual bank accounts, real estate holdings, in fact any personal property at all."
Dean also outlined his plans on combining all U. S. farmlands into "collectives" where thousands of conscripted workers will live, work and raise families."
"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one," said Dean. "All the great Democrats, starting with Roosevelt, have been leaning towards this. This will be pure social engineering at its finest. How can we go wrong?"
Americans will enjoy a "homogenous" society if Howard Dean's "Plan For American Families" takes effect next year.
Governor Dean Pushes For
Marriage For Gays Only
Manchester, NH - "For centuries, gays and lezbos have been discriminated against," said Dean in a major speech today outlining his social policies if he is elected president. "Now we need an "affirmative action" policy to offset these inequities. From the day I take office, no marriages will be permitted for hetero-sexuals.
All "breeders" will have their marriages declared null and void. Also, all children will be relocated in gay partnered homes. If we cannot find enough gay partnerships, we will start a pro-active course of mating husbands with husbands and wives with wives.
Only when every person in the U. S. is in a fag or muff-diving relationship can everyone understand what it is to be a rope-smoker and accept the fudge-packing and donut-bumping life-style choice."
Dean is also considering mandatory castration and neutering of all men to create a class of more sensitive, less aggressive and cheauvenistic "Neutro-Sexuals".
"All children will be produced in test-tubes by the government, which will control production," said Dean. "We will produce quotas of black, hispanic, Asian and peckerwood children until there is absolute parity among the races. Only in this way can racial harmony be produced," he said.
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