Britney Spears Temporarily Loses Custody of her Vagina
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Britney Spears’ downward spiral took another devastating turn Monday when the pop princess was ordered to give up custody of her vagina by a judge who had cited her drug-and-alcohol-fueled lifestyle and her hillbilly upbringing as the root causes for her “near total lack of propriety and decency regarding her pee-hole”.
Superior Court Judge Scott M. Gordon ruled that that ex-husband Kevin Federline would take Spears’ 26 year old catcher’s mitt, beginning Wednesday “until further order of the court.”
But Spears handed her twat over to Federline’s bodyguards, enclosed in a lead-lined HazMat toxic waste container, later on Monday at a designated meeting place.
The order stemmed from an oral motion made by Federline’s lawyers, arguing that Spears’ irresponsible handling of her poonanie could destroy its entertainment value and financial viability.
“The sanctity of what was once Kevin’s private cum-bucket has been besmirched by Britney’s repeated lack of proper oversight and monitoring of her cock holster,” said medical examiner and badger expert Melvin Felcher. “Any number of penises have breached the lips of her cha-cha, resulting in a marked erosion of the clitoral hood and a gradual flattening of the pubic mound. Her panty hamster is in marked disrepair compared to its near pristine condition during her Crazy 2K Tour. Her labial structures have so atrophied that they are more like a monkey in a shoe-box than a little man in a boat,” he revealed.
They also cited a potentially devastating effect, as proceeds from her panty-pit constitute Spears’ “largest” single source of income. Lawyers for both sides conceded the loss of vaginal earning power would negatively impact Federline’s attempt to finance his own “career” and popularize him with American audiences, expected to take millions, if not billions of dollars in assets which Federline hopes to gain if he wins the final cootchie custody proceedings. These monies would be in jeopardy if Spears’ cherry pie were to fall ill or become otherwise incapacitated due to the negligent custodial habits to which she is accused of exposing her gash.
“Spears’ vag is gargantuan asset,” said her lead attorney, Benjamin Fallow, in arguments today before the court. “Spears’ hairpie’s influence on pop music is gigantic, and she benefits from an enormous yearly discharge, probably the biggest in the in the industry, because her slit is so huge with the public. It positively dwarfs Christine Aguilera’s cunt in a business sense.”
The case was handled in a closed-door/crossed legs hearing in the same room, and using the same chair, as Sharon Stone, when the pioneering poontangstress of the film Basic Instinct, in which she aired out her own crotch muffin, catapulting Stone’s cooze to fame, much like Spears has done in recent years. A full ninety percent of U.S. citizens could identify a photo Spears’ pink taco, 20% more than could identify Hilary!’s cock, which has received far more “hard” news coverage.
The judge’s order did not state the reason for the change in cooter custody but he ordered all transcripts of the pussy proceedings zipped up tight. The judges decision was considered by experts to be the result of Spears’ reckless exposure of her cock socket to the potentially damaging effects of wind, sun and rain, as well as the effect her cunny could have on the environment when exposed without proper “furburgian filters” and “sniz shields” in place.
Phone messages left for representatives of Spears, her vagina and Federline’s empty nutsack were not immediately returned Monday.
The judge ordered “Brit-Brit’s” cock-locker to undergo random testing to make sure she has on a pair of clean panties at least twice a week as part of her ongoing custody dispute with Federline over her lucrative beaver.
Proper care, feeding and grooming of her fiduciary fuckhole will be supervised by the Chichester Inc., a world-renowned taxidermy speciallist, famous for their restoration of Madonna’s snatch after years of neglect, misuse and over-fishing.
Spears may regain custody of her vagina if she fulfills several conditions laid out by the court:
A number of speculators have expressed an interest in purchasing Spears’ fingerpie should the court rule that custody cannot be determined and forces the couple to sell all their assets, including all of Spears’ primary and secondary genitalia.
The front-runner for winning the ensuing bidding war is Count Viraglio of Italy, who already owns Liza Minnelli’s prolapsed rectum, Moby’s sphincter (used for all the vocals on his CD Play) and several of Liz Taylor’s dented donuts from throughout her long career.
Spears continuing outrageous behavior may result in hearings next month to decide the settlement of her asshole. Crews had already set to work this morning removing graffiti that had accumulated on Britney’s brown-eye over the past few months when she had left it for a week under a highway overpass after a night of whoring.
Federline’s balls, in seclusion for the past 3 years, have not made a public appearance since the July 2004 announcement of the couple’s engagement. His dick was last seen performing a rap and dance routine to Federline’s biggest “hit” so far, Papazao, at the 2006 Teen Choice Awards.
Britney’s vagina did not answer repeated calls for a comment on this story by press-time. However, through a publicist it did release several “not for attribution” queefs.
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