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Irrefutable Evidence the Drinking Age Should Be Lowered
This week's update By: doc     visit DWF
Last week's feature: Can Chelsea Clinton's Magic Ass Save Hillary?!

Seven states now considering lowering the drinking age.

You can watch the stodgy video with crotchety MADD mothers inveighing against the evils of demon rum and waving statistics claiming that lowering the drinking age leads to more deaths from alcohol related driving deaths. And youth drinking advocates drunkenly asserting that yeah, the MADD mothers had a point, but on the other hand, fuck you.

I always liked the Andrew Dice Clay bit where he was going to start his own group, DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), motto; ďKeep your fuckiní kids off the street!Ē

Insensitive, boorish and juvenile, like everything Clay did (except break down sobbing on Arsenio, where he was just a pussy), but funny none the less.

There is the point raised in the video that drinkers merely go to raves and keggers instead of bars, where at least its regulated, they card people and there are responsible people (bar owners? yeah right) in charge, as opposed to a wide open frat party where puking and getting naked are the only activities more prevalent than actual drinking.

Lots of valid debate about the relative merits of doing it or not doing it, and a fair-minded person would have to allow both sides have their merits, but those arguing against it donít know the relative merits of their elbow vs. their ass.

Thereís one, irrefutable rule of lowering the age of drinking alcohol: it lowers the inhibitions of young ladies against baring their tits. The ďmore boobsĒ argument is pretty persuasive to anyone who isnít gay (unless youíre a lesbian, which means youíd probably agree with us).

Also, drinking renders sports watchable. If not for drinking, who the fuck would watch baseball? It also improves any sport, even dominoes. It also increases the likelihood of a fight breaking out in the stands, which also increases the entertainment value of liquor and beer.

But the main, undeniable fact in favor of liquor is it encourages young, attractive girls to get naked, specifically and mostly to show their boobs (as well as fat, old and unattractive ones, but let that go, the pluses outweigh the minuses, and ugly guys have to get laid too, you know.)

On camera, in public, in private places. But most importantly to this blog, in front of a camera. So, without further ado, we present you with at least 64 reasons in 32 shots why lowering the drinking age is a good thing (as evidenced by the fact that 18 year old breasts are just that much more perky and unaffected by gravity than 21 year old breasteses.)

Which brings us to the most important drinking songs ever, by which we mean those which combine drinking and fucking, the two most worthy pursuits in which a human being (and some animals, including chimps and dogs) can indulge.

Here is the first, by the great and too often mocked Jimmy Buffett:

Why Donít We Get Drunk and Screw?

I really do appreciate the fact youíre sittiní here
Your voice sounds so wonderful
But your face donít look too clear
So barmaid bring us a pitcher, another round oí brew
Honey, why donít we get drunk and screw?

Why donít we get drunk and screw?
I just bought a water bed, its filled up for me and you
They say you are a snow queen
Honey, I donít think thats true
So, why donít we get drunk and screw?

Why donít we get drunk and screw?
I just bought a waterbed its filled up with Elmerís glue
They say you are a snow queen
Honey, I donít think thats true
So why donít we get drunk and screw?

And lastly, from one of my heroes, a dysfunctional sex and drinking song, the inimitable Loudon Wainwright III

Drinks Before Dinner (with chords!)

C C7 G
Donít know who I insulted, maybe it was you
G7 C
The drink I had resulted in a tirade or two
C C7 F
I went down to get in trouble, I accomplished that
G G7 C
Drank some drinks, flew off the handle, right off of the bat

Drinks before dinner, wine with dinner and after dinner drinks
Single entendre, help me Rhonda, look for my cufflinks
Come with me and you will see that it all will be alright
Rudolph the red nosed wino is gonna guide my slay tonight

Some times when I drink too much, the next day I canít think
Some times when I drink too much, the next day I canít drink
Some times when I drink too much, I feel like throwing up
And some times when I drink too much, I cannot get it up

Keep your hemp & your mushrooms, your smack & nebutal
Me Iím into fruit & grains, give me alcohol!
Call thirsty, call me oral, call me what you like
But when Iím sober, call me Loudon, do not call me Mike

and chorus!

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