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Can Chelsea Clinton's Magic Ass Save Hillary's Campaign?
This week's update By: doc     visit DWF
Last week's feature: Cow Fuckers
More follow-up on Clinton's win in Pennsylvania.

Some underreported campaign news from the Pennsylvania trail, as Chelsea Clinton works the hustings, working that Magic Ass (click link for her theme song) for primary votes.

Still hot on the campaign trail, Chelsea Clinton goes cruising for female tail and ends up getting some anal pleasuring from adoring dykes:

via Say Anything: This has to be the strangest story of the election season so far.

“I grabbed her ass,” shouted one woman, prompting surprised looks and laughter from Chelsea and campaign staff escorting her.

“I’ve been trying to find you all night and I found you and you’re gorgeous,” Dustin Thorn, 31, of Philadelphia told her.

“I think Chelsea looks better in person and she’s got the body and ass of life,” said Christoper Murray after wrapping his arms around her and giving her a big hug.

Ass of life? Congratulations, Christopher Murray.  From here forward all your future employers and lovers Googling you to find out who you really are will find out that you’re an “ass of llife” guy. Well done, sir.


The Bush twins, freelance campaigning for Dad -- click to embiggen

Using complex computer models of electoral trends and lesbian voter habits, docweaselblog has constructed an extrapolation of a precinct by precinct percentage gain that George W. Bush might have enjoyed had he deployed the Bush twins magic asses to cavort around gay bars during the 2004 and 2006 mid-terms, while he was traveling the country himself.

The model can accurately predict that it would have been a guaranteed vote magnet, turning swing lesbian and bi-sexual women in crucial battle ground states where Rove might have used those 19 year old nymphs. A scenario the model constructed this weekend presented the spectacle of the Bush twins' firm young buttocks - ensconced in matching hot pink (Jenna) and lime green (the other one) neon hot pants:

[21:14 hours] ...being felt up by smokin' hot lipstick lesbians who smear their makeup as they lustily shove their tongues down the twins throats while kneading their smooth round buns...

...calculating... rendering scenario...

[21:22 hours] ...a tall, muscular red-headed dyke runs her fingers down the small of Jenna's back, running the tips of her fingers lightly over Jenna's bottom, then sliding down into her white lace thong panties and then down between the cleft of her buttocks, lightly tapping her pink, pulsating rosebud as Jenna squirmed appreciatively and lowered her head to the red-head's nipple...

...calculating... rendering scenario...


Jenna Bush's magic ass (artist's rendering) -- click to embiggen

[21:38 hours] ...while a statuesque Nordic blonde runs her fingernails along the other twin's taut, flat stomach as she nibbles her lips, until Barb surrenders and sucks her tummy in, allowing the insistent dyke to push her hand down between the twin's thighs...

...calculating... rendering scenario...

[21:55 hours] ...finding her sweet spot and alternately gently massaging and roughly rubbing her as a prelude to a sweaty, passionate, Sapphic rut

...fault...daemon error...

...calculating... rendering scenario... system node fault... 0000iop80345asd-978934//asdfi908908!!11eleventy///...

Then the computer melted down, and the model scenario was never resolved.

However, analysis certainly allows that it would have won the news cycle for that day, and might have tipped the balance in Pennsylvania, giving Bush 21 more electoral votes and a solid mandate, as fapping voters might have given the GOP a 200 seat advantage in the House and 5 more Senators plus Joe Lieberman, coming out as a Republican after the double threat of the twin's enchanted asses had worked their magic on him.

Hillary's utilization of her daughter's svelte, trim body seems to have paid off with a gain of what we estimate was around 3 percentage points after a scene that sounds like a fuckpile of lesbian goodness going on all around Clinton:

Andrea Myers, 26, said she was undecided between Clinton and Barack Obama in Tuesday's Pennsylvania primary until she heard Chelsea was going to be at the bar.

"Once I heard I was a lot more excited," she said as her sister and girlfriend danced and kissed behind her.

Her sister was making out with her girlfriend? Fuckin' A, I need to hang with Democrat campaign rallies. That's where the sex is.

I wonder if there was scissoring and carpet-munching, as well as the normal amount of finger-banging and muff-diving? (the article doesn't say).

Scandalously, there are no photos of the ass groping.

But anyway, the dyke and gayboy electorate was out in force in Philly, and apparently visiting their bars is all they require for allegiance.

Sending your daughter out to be gang groped by a mob of lesbians is a guaranteed vote grabber in the Dem primary season. Chelsea will actually have to give up some snootch to get their votes in the general.

The rest of this story, beyond feeling up Chelce, cracks me up. Those zany gays! There's some interesting "elitism" going on here, by "smart, sophisticated" gays sussing out who is the liberal, open-minded candidate, and weighing many factors, then deciding who to vote for by the candidate whose surrogate shows up at the gay bar they frequent and gives up some ass.

Rendell's been a regular at the gay bars since he ran for district attorney in 1977, when he was credited with being the first straight candidate to court the gay vote. He made a similar campaign swing through the neighborhood in 2004 for John Kerry.

"These are important voters, they're smart, they're sophisticated and they turn out in large numbers and always have," Rendell said.

Like other Pennsylvania voters, the gay vote is divided, but many in the gay community expressed frustration with Obama and said that the Clintons have a long record of being open to the gay community.

"It just points out a whole difference between the campaigns that the Clinton campaign is talking to everybody," said Michael Howard, Philly, 47, who went to Bumps to see Chelsea.

More Chelsea love:

They loved her hair, they smacked her butt, there was hooting, hollering and a whole lot of hugging going on Friday night as Chelsea Clinton hit Philadelphia's gay bars for what campaign aides called a "gay pub crawl."

"Chelsea, the gays love you!" Jeff Guaracino, 35, shouted as the former and potential first daughter took the stage at Bumps, the first of four stops at gay and lesbian bars that kept Chelsea and Rendell bar hopping until 1 a.m.

"Oh, gosh, I don't know if everybody loves me," responded Chelsea, who made her first visit to the city's gay clubs a couple weeks earlier and has made similar stops at gay bars in other cities while campaigning for her mother, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

"We love your hair," he yelled back and prompting another "oh gosh" from the embarrassed 28-year-old.

The reception was no less enthusiastic at the second stop at Sisters, a lesbian bar, where excited women grinding to Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" barely allowed Chelsea to speak because they kept interrupting her with applause and cheers.

Smack that butt! But you know, dykes and gay guys can get away with this, but if a straight guy grabbed the Magic Ass, the secret service would wrestle him to the ground, smack him around then take him to a federal prison.

Anyway, here are more asses so you can visualize what the Ass of Life might look like in the flesh:

Mark Steyn has more:

Ass you can believe in "The ass of life"? If you rub it, does it grant you three wishes?
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