docweasel.com :: still an outlaw in their eyes

docweasel.com :: Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 1 : 'A Swallow Carrying a Coconut?'

[opening music]; [wind]; [clop clop clop]
KING ARTHUR:: Whoa there!; [clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #1:: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR:: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1:: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR:: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy.; We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1:: What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:: Yes!
SOLDIER #1:: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR:: What?
SOLDIER #1:: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR:: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--
SOLDIER #1:: Where'd you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR:: We found them.
SOLDIER #1:: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR:: What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1:: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER #1:: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR:: Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER #1:: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR:: It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1:: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR:: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER #1:: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR:: Please!
SOLDIER #1:: Am I right?
ARTHUR:: I'm not interested!
SOLDIER #2:: It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER #1:: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
SOLDIER #2:: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR:: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1:: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
SOLDIER #2:: Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER #1:: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.; [clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #2:: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1:: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2:: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1:: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2:: Well, why not?