docweasel.com :: still an outlaw in their eyes

docweasel.com :: Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 8 : The French Castle / Wooden Rabbit

[King Arthur music]; [clop clop clop]
ARTHUR:: Halt!; [horn]; Hallo!; [pause]; Hallo!
FRENCH GUARD:: Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR:: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD:: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR:: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD:: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR:: What?
GALAHAD:: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR:: Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD:: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS:: [chuckling]
ARTHUR:: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD:: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR:: Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH GUARD:: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
GALAHAD:: What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD:: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR:: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD:: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD:: What a strange person.
ARTHUR:: Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD:: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD:: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD:: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!; [sniff]
ARTHUR:: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD:: (Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD:: Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD:: (Fetchez la vache!); [mooo]
ARTHUR:: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--; [twong]; [mooooooo]; Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS:: Christ!; [thud]; Ah! Ohh!
ARTHUR:: Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS:: Charge!; [mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD:: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.; [mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD:: And this one's for your dad!
ARTHUR:: Run away!
KNIGHTS:: Run away!
FRENCH GUARD:: Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS:: [taunting]
LAUNCELOT:: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR:: No, no. No, no.
BEDEVERE:: Sir! I have a plan, sir.; [later]; [wind]; [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]; [clunk]; [bang]; [rewr!]; [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]; [rrrr rrrr rrrr]; [drilllll]; [sawwwww]; [clunk]; [crash]; [clang]; [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]; [creak]
FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering]: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi?; Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...; [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]; [clllank]
ARTHUR:: What happens now?
BEDEVERE:: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR:: Who leaps out?
BEDEVERE:: U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...
ARTHUR:: Ohh.
BEDEVERE:: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--; [clank]; [twong]
ARTHUR:: Run away!
KNIGHTS:: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!; [CRASH]
FRENCH GUARDS:: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...