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docweasel.com :: Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 14 : 'Make sure he doesn't leave.'
NARRATOR:
The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
FATHER:
One day, lad, all this will be yours!
PRINCE HERBERT:
What, the curtains?
FATHER:
No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.
HERBERT:
But Mother--
FATHER:
Father, lad. Father.
HERBERT:
B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER:
Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
HERBERT:
But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--
FATHER:
Rather what?!
HERBERT:
I'd rather...
[music]
...just... sing!
FATHER:
Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT:
B-- but I don't want land.
FATHER:
Listen, Alice,--
HERBERT:
Herbert.
FATHER:
'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
HERBERT:
But-- but I don't like her.
FATHER:
Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!
HERBERT:
I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...
[music]
...a certain,... special... something!
FATHER:
Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
[smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
GUARD #1:
Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2:
Hic!
FATHER:
No, no. Until I come and get him.
GUARD #1:
Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHER:
No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:
And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2:
Hic!
FATHER:
Right.
GUARD #1:
We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
FATHER:
No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1:
Leaving the room. Yes.
[sniff]
FATHER:
All right?
GUARD #1:
Right.
GUARD #2:
Hic!
FATHER:
Right.
GUARD #1:
Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--
FATHER:
Yes? What is it?
GUARD #1:
Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--
FATHER:
Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1:
Uh...
FATHER:
You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
GUARD #2:
Hic!
FATHER:
Right.
GUARD #1:
Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER:
N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--
GUARD #1:
Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--
FATHER:
No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--
GUARD #1:
Until you or anyone else--
FATHER:
No, not anyone else. Just me.
GUARD #1:
Just you.
GUARD #2:
Hic!
FATHER:
Get back.
GUARD #1:
Get back.
FATHER:
All right?
GUARD #1:
Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
GUARD #2:
Hic!
FATHER:
And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:
What?
FATHER:
Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:
The Prince?
FATHER:
Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:
Oh, yes, of course.
GUARD #2:
Hic!
GUARD #1:
Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER:
Is that clear?
GUARD #2:
Hic!
GUARD #1:
Oh, quite clear. No problems.
FATHER:
Right. Where are you going?
GUARD #1:
We're coming with you.
FATHER:
No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:
Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT:
But Father!
FATHER:
Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
[music]
And no singing!
GUARD #2:
Hic!
FATHER:
Oh, go and get a glass of water.
[clank]
[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]
[twong]



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