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docweasel.com :: Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 23 : The Bridge of Death

[gurgle]
GALAHAD:: There it is!
ARTHUR:: The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN:: Oh, great.
ARTHUR:: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
BEDEVERE:: What is he doing here?
ARTHUR:: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
GALAHAD:: Three questions.
ARTHUR:: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
GALAHAD:: Three questions.
ARTHUR:: Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN:: What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR:: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN:: Oh, I won't go.
GALAHAD:: Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR:: Sir Robin!
ROBIN:: Yes?
ARTHUR:: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN:: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT:: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
ARTHUR:: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
GALAHAD:: Three questions.
ARTHUR:: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
LAUNCELOT:: I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR:: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: Stop!; Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT:: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your name?
LAUNCELOT:: My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your quest?
LAUNCELOT:: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your favourite colour?
LAUNCELOT:: Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT:: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN:: That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER:: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
ROBIN:: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your name?
ROBIN:: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your quest?
ROBIN:: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is the capital of Assyria?; [pause]
ROBIN:: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER:: Stop! What... is your name?
GALAHAD:: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your quest?
GALAHAD:: I seek the Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your favourite colour?
GALAHAD:: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER:: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
ARTHUR:: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is your quest?
ARTHUR:: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR:: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER:: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEVERE:: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR:: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.; [suspenseful music]; [music suddenly stops]; [intermission]; [suspenseful music resumes]