docweasel.com :: still an outlaw in their eyes

docweasel.com :: Monty Python's Life of Brian
Scene 12 : Pontius Pilate

[trumpets]
PONTIUS PILATE:: ...Make one large living awea. Ahh.
CENTURION:: Hail Caesar.
PILATE:: Hail.
CENTURION:: Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE:: Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION:: What, sir?
PILATE:: Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION:: Ah.; [whump]
BRIAN:: Aagh!
PILATE:: Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN:: 'Brian', sir.
PILATE:: 'Bwian', eh?
BRIAN:: No, no. 'Brian'.; [slap]; Aah!
PILATE:: Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION:: Has what, sir?
PILATE:: Spiwit.
CENTURION:: Yes. He did, sir.
PILATE:: No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION:: Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.
PILATE:: So, you dare to waid us.
BRIAN:: To what, sir?
PILATE:: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!; [slap]
BRIAN:: Aaah!
CENTURION:: Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?
PILATE:: What?
CENTURION:: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
PILATE:: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
BRIAN:: Aah!; [whump]
PILATE:: Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN:: I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.
PILATE:: A Woman?
BRIAN:: No, no. Roman.; [slap]; Aah!
PILATE:: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
BRIAN:: He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
PILATE:: Weally? What was his name?
BRIAN:: 'Nortius Maximus'.
CENTURION:: Ahh, ha ha!
PILATE:: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION:: Well, no, sir.
PILATE:: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
CENTURION:: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
GUARD #4:: [chuckling]
PILATE:: What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
CENTURION:: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
PILATE:: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
GUARD #4:: [chuckling]
PILATE:: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
BRIAN:: Can I go now, sir?; [slap]; Aaah! Eh.
PILATE:: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
GUARD #4:: [chuckling]
PILATE:: Wight! Take him away!
CENTURION:: Oh, sir, he-- he only--
PILATE:: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
CENTURION:: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
GUARD #4:: Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo...
PILATE:: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
GUARD #1:: [chuckling]
PILATE:: ...Dickus?
GUARD #1:: [chuckling]
PILATE:: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name...; 'Biggus'...
GUARD #3:: [chuckle]
PILATE:: ...'Dickus'?
GUARD #1 and GUARD #2:: [chuckling]
PILATE:: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.
GUARDS:: [laughing]
PILATE:: Stop! What is all this?
GUARDS:: Ha, ha ha ha ha ha...
PILATE:: I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!