docweasel.com :: still an outlaw in their eyes

docweasel.com :: Monty Python's Life of Brian
Scene 24 : The jailer and his assistant

NISUS:: Next. Hhh, crucifixion?
ALFONSO:: Yes.
NISUS:: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?
BRIAN:: Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
NISUS:: Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?
JAILER:: What?
NISUS:: Uh, how many have come through?
JAILER:: What?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: Uh, y-- y-- y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s-- speak-- s-- s-- s-- sp-- spe-- speak-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- s-- p-- p-- peak-- speak up a bit, sir. He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d--
NISUS:: Ah.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: Oh, he's-- he's--; [whap]; He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post, sir.
NISUS:: Uhh, how many have come through?!
JAILER:: Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
NISUS:: Oh, dear.
JAILER:: Hee huh.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: I make it ninety-fff--...
NISUS:: Ah.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: ninety-fff-- ninety-fffff-- ninety-six, sir.
NISUS:: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: N-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no, sir. N-- not-- not with these b-- bastards, sir. C-- cr-- rrrr-- c-- c-- crrr-- c-- c-- c-- crrrrucifixion's too good for 'em, sir.
NISUS:: I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's-- it's very nasty.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: Well, it's not as n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no-- no-- no-- not as n-- nasty as something I just thought up, sir.
NISUS:: No.
JAILER:: Hm?
NISUS:: Now, um, crucifixion.
BRIAN:: Is there someone I can speak to?
NISUS:: Well--
JAILER:: I know where to get it, if you want it.
NISUS:: What?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: Uh, d-- don't-- don't worry about hi-- him, sir. He's de-- he's de--; [whap]; He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- mad, sir.
NISUS:: How did he get the job?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT:: Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.
JAILER:: Heh heh.
MR. CHEEKY:: Get a move on, Big Nose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.
BRIAN:: Could I see a lawyer or someone?
NISUS:: Um, do-- do you have a lawyer?
BRIAN:: No, but I'm a Roman.
MR. CHEEKY:: How about a re-trial? We've got plenty o' time.
PARVUS:: Shut up, you!
MR. CHEEKY:: Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour.; [whump]; Oooh.
NISUS:: I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. Now...