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docweasel.com :: Monty Python's Meaning of Life
Scene 11 : Part Five: Live Organ Transplants

[Jewish music-- 'Hava Nagila']
ANNOUNCER:: The Meaning of Life: Part Five: Live Organ Transplants.; [ding dong]
MR. BROWN:: [cough] Don't worry, dear! I'll get it! [cough]; [ding dong ding dong]; [ding dong ding dong]
MR. BROWN:: Yes?
MAN:: Hello. Uhh, can we have your liver?
MR. BROWN:: My what?
MAN:: Your liver. It's a large, ehh, glandular organ in your abdomen.
ERIC:: [sniff]
MAN:: You know, it's, uh,-- it's reddish-brown. It's sort of, uhh,--
MR. BROWN:: Yeah,-- y-- y-- yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it, eh.
ERIC:: Come on, sir.
MR. BROWN:: Hey! Hey! Stop!
ERIC:: Don't muck us about.
MR. BROWN:: Stop! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Hey!
MAN:: Hallo.
MR. BROWN:: Ge-- get off.
MAN:: What's this, then? Mmh.
MR. BROWN:: A liver donor's card.
MAN:: Need we say more?
ERIC:: No!
MR. BROWN:: Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.
MAN:: No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.
MR. BROWN:: Agh.
ERIC:: Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Zip it up.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: 'Ere. What's going on?
MAN:: Uh, he's donating his liver, madam.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?
MAN:: That's right, madam.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: Typical of him!
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: He goes down to the public library, he sees a few signs up, comes home all full of good intentions.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: He gives blood. He does cold research. All that sort of thing.
MAN:: Oh.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
ERIC:: Ehh.
MRS. BROWN:: What do you, uh,-- what do you do with them all, anyway?
ERIC:: They all go to saving lives, madam.
MRS. BROWN:: Mmm. That's what he used to say. 'It's all for the good of the country' he used to say.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Hm?
MRS. BROWN:: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
MAN:: Well, I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just, uh, doing our jobs, you know.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: You're not... doctors, then?
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Oh. Blimey no.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN and ERIC:: [laughing]
YOUNG MAN:: Mum. Dad. I'm off out now. I'll see you about seven.
MAN and ERIC:: [laughing]
MRS. BROWN:: Right-o, son. Look after yourself.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Oh. Now.
ERIC:: M-hmm.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN:: Do you, um,...
ERIC:: [mumble]
MAN:: Carry on.
MRS. BROWN:: ...fancy a cup of tea?
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Oh, well, that would be very nice.
MRS. BROWN:: Oh.
MAN:: Thank you.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Thank you very much, madam.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Thank you.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Oh, eh,-- I thought she'd never ask.
ERIC:: You know it.
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Uhh, you do realise, uh, he has to be, uh,... well, dead,... by the terms of the card, uh, before he donates his liver.
MRS. BROWN:: Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me. Silly man!
MR. BROWN:: [screaming]
MAN:: Only I was wondering, ehh,... well, you know, what you was thinking of doing after that. I mean, [sniff] will you stay on your own,... or is there, uh,... well, someone else, sort of, uh,... on the horizon?
MRS. BROWN:: I'm too old for that sort of thing.; I'm past my prime.
MAN:: Not at all. You're a very attractive woman.
MRS. BROWN:: Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.
MAN:: Sure?
MRS. BROWN:: Sure.; [pause]
MAN:: Can we have your liver, then?
MRS. BROWN:: Oh. No, I'd be... scared.
MAN:: All right.; [snap]; I'll tell you what. Look. Listen to this.; [music]
MAN IN PINK:: Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,; And things seem hard or tough,; [clunk]; And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,; And you feel that you've had quite enough,; [boom]; [singing]; Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving; And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,; That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,; A sun that is the source of all our power.; The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see; Are moving at a million miles a day; In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,; Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.; Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.; It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.; It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,; But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.; We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.; We go 'round every two hundred million years,; And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions; In this amazing and expanding universe.; [boom]; [slurp]; The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding; In all of the directions it can whizz; As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,; Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.; So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,; How amazingly unlikely is your birth,; And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,; 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.; [clunk]
MRS. BROWN:: [sigh] Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?
MAN:: Yeah. Yeah. [sniff] Can we have your liver, then?
MRS. BROWN:: Yeah. All right. You talked me into it.
MAN:: Eric!; [clap]; [music]
CHAIRMAN:: ...Which brings us once again to the urgent realisation of just how much there is still left to own. Item six on the agenda: the meaning of life. Now, uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
HARRY:: That's right. Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and, uh, what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: people are not wearing enough hats. Two: matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.; [pause]
BERT:: What was that about hats, again?
HARRY:: Oh, uh, people aren't wearing enough.
CHAIRMAN:: Is this true?
EDMUND:: Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu, as our research initially--
BERT:: But when you say 'enough', enough for what purpose?
GUNTHER:: Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted,...; [rumble]; ...has anyone noticed that building there before?
RANDOM:: Ohh.
RANDOM:: My God!
CHAIRMAN:: Good Lord!; [crash]; [exciting music]; [crash]
EVERYONE:: [mumbling]; [crash]
CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE PIRATE:: Aaaaah!; [crash]
CHAIRMAN:: Good Lord! The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
PROJECTIONIST:: We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it.; [creak]; [boom]; Thank you.