Series 3, Episode 29: Salvation Fuzz (Church Police)

WOMAN

Terry Jones

MAN

Eric Idle

SON

Graham Chapman

CHURCH POLICEMAN

Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Cut to a kitchen. A man and woman listening to a radio.)

Radio Voice: I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler.

Man's Voice: Gerald?

Another Voice: Well I'd annex the Sudetenland and sign a non-aggression pact with Russia.

First Man's Voice: Norman?

Norman's Voice: Well I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand.

Woman: (switching the radio off) Liberal rubbish. Klaus ... what do you want with your jugged fish?

Man: Halibut.

Woman: The jugged fish is halibut.

Man: What fish have you got that isn't jugged, then?

Woman: Rabbit.

Man: What? Rabbit fish?

Woman: Yes. It's got fins.

Man: Is it dead?

Woman: Well, it was coughing up blood last night.

Man: All right I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.

CAPTION: 'ONE DEAD UNJUGGED RABBIT FISH LATER'

Man: Well that was really horrible.

Woman: You're always complaining.

Man: What's for afters?

Woman: Well there's rat cake ... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart.

Man: Strawberry tart?!

Woman: Well it's got some rat in it.

Man: How much?

Woman: Three, rather a lot really.

Man: ... well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.

CAPTION: 'ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER'

Man: Appalling.

Woman: Moan, moan, moan.

(Enter their son.)

Son: Hello, mum, hello, dad.

Man: Hello, son.

Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing.

Woman: Where did that come from?

Son: What do you mean?

Woman: What's its diocese?

Son: Well it looked a bit Bath and Wellsish to me.

Man: I'll go and have a look. (goes out)

Woman: I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.

Son: Well it's not me.

Woman: I've put three out by the bin and the dustmen won't touch 'em.

Man: (coming back) Leicester.

Woman: How do you know?

Man: Tattooed on the back of his neck. I'm going to call the police.

Woman: Shouldn't you call the Church?

Son: Call the Church police.

Man: ...all right. (shouts) The Church police!

(Enter two policemen with ecclesiastical accoutrements.)

Church Policeman: Yus!

Woman: There's another dead bishop on the landing.

Church Policeman: Suffragan or diocesan?

Woman: How should I know?

Church Policeman: It's tattooed on the back of their necks. Ere! Is that rat tart?

Woman: Yes.

Church Policeman: Disgusting. Right! The hunt is on. (kneels) Oh Lord we beseech thee tell us who croaked Leicester.

(Organ music. A huge hand descends and points at the man.)

Man: All right, it's a fair cop, but society is to blame.

Church Policeman: Agreed.

Man: I would like the three by the bin to be taken into consideration.

Church Policeman: Right. And now, I'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn.

All: (singing) And did those feet in ancient times walk upon England's mountains green. (policemen escort the man out) And was the holy lamb of God on England's pleasant pastures seen.