Series 3, Episode 39: Blood Donor

SAMSON

John Cleese

GRIMSHAW

Eric Idle

The sketch:

SAMSON:

Blood donors that way, please.

DONOR:

Oh, thank you very much.

SAMSON:

Thank you.

GRIMSHAW:

(whispering)

SAMSON:

What?

GRIMSHAW:

(whispering)

SAMSON:

No, no. I'm sorry, but 'no'.

GRIMSHAW:

(whispering)

SAMSON:

No, you may not give urine instead of blood.

GRIMSHAW:

(whispering)

SAMSON:

No. Well, I don't care if you want to.

GRIMSHAW:

(whispering)

SAMSON:

No. There is no such thing as a urine bank.

GRIMSHAW:

Please.

SAMSON:

No. We have no call for it. We've quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.

GRIMSHAW:

Just a specimen?

SAMSON:

No. We don't want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.

GRIMSHAW:

I'll give you some blood if you'll give me...

SAMSON:

What?

GRIMSHAW:

...a thing to do some urine in.

SAMSON:

No, no. Just go away, please.

GRIMSHAW:

Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.

SAMSON:

Fine. Well, you don't have to, you see. Just go away.

GRIMSHAW:

Can I give you some spit?

SAMSON:

No.

GRIMSHAW:

Sweat?

SAMSON:

No.

GRIMSHAW:

Ear wax?

SAMSON:

No. Look, this is a blood bank. All we want is blood.

GRIMSHAW:

All right. I'll give you some blood.

SAMSON:

Where did you get that?

GRIMSHAW:

Today. It's today's.

SAMSON:

What group is it?

GRIMSHAW:

What groups are there?

SAMSON:

There's 'A',--

GRIMSHAW:

It's 'A'.

SAMSON:

(sniff) Wait a moment. It's mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?

GRIMSHAW:

I found it.

SAMSON:

You found it?! You stole it out of my body, didn't you?

GRIMSHAW:

No.

SAMSON:

No wonder I'm feeling off-colour. (drinks from bottle) Give that back!

GRIMSHAW:

It's mine.

SAMSON:

It's not yours. You stole it.

GRIMSHAW:

Never.

SAMSON:

Give it back to me.

GRIMSHAW:

All right, but only if I can give urine.

SAMSON:

Get in the queue...