Series 4, Episode 42: Trivialising the War

GENERAL

Graham Chapman

CORPORAL

Eric Idle

AGEING GENERAL

Terry Gilliam

The sketch:

Cut to a Whitehall war office conference room. A general is on the phone. Four other generals sit there.

General

Five shillings a dozen? That's ordinary cabbages, is it? And what about the bombs? Good Lord, they are expensive!

A corporal rushes in.

Corporal

Sir!

General

Yes, what is it?

Corporal

News from the Western Front, sir.

General

Yes... ?

Corporal

Big enemy attack at dawn, sir...

General

Yes... ?

Corporal

Well, the enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir... and... they had fairy wands with big stars on the end... and...

General

They what... ?

Corporal

...and ...they had spiders in matchboxes, sir.

General

(in disbelief) Good God! How did our chaps react?

Corporal

Well, they were jolly interested, sir. Some of them... I think it was the 4th Armoured Brigade, sir, they... well, they went and had a look at the spiders, sir.

General

Oh my God! All right, thank you, Shirley.

A girl emerges from under the table. She is a blonde WAAF.

Corporal

Sir!

General

(to a sergeant) Get me the Prime Minister. (the sergeant opens the door, Churchill stands outside) Not that quickly! (the sergeant shuts the door) Gentlemen, it's now quite apparent that the enemy are not only fighting this war on the cheap, but they're also not taking it seriously.

Ageing General

Bastards ...

General

First they drop cabbages instead of decent bombs...

Corporal

The crates were probably quite expensive, sir.

General

Quiet, critic! And now they're doing very silly things in one of the most vital areas of the war!

Ageing General

What are we going to do, Shirley?

General

Well, we've got to act fast before it saps morale. We're going to show these Chinese...

Captain

Germans, sir.

General

These Germans... we're going to show them that no British soldier will descend to their level. Anyone found trivialising this war will face the supreme penalty that military law can provide. (he holds a heroic pose; there is a pause during we expect to cut; we don't; suddenly he breaks out of the pose into informality) That was all right, I think?

Captain

(getting out drinks) Seemed to go quite well.