docweasel.com :: still an outlaw in their eyes

Series 4, Episode 43: Father-in-law

The cast:

CAROL: Carol Cleveland
ROBERT: Terry Jones
FATHER: Graham Chapman

The sketch:

To lyrical music the camera pans across the road, and comes across a couple making love on the pavement. Pedestrians step over them.

Carol
Oh Robert, tell me I'm beautiful.
Robert
Oh you are, you are!
Carol
Oh Robert, do you mean that?
Robert
Of course I do.
Carol
Tou're not just saying that because I asked you?
Robert
Of course not.
Carol
Oh Robert ... Robert, are you sure it doesn't put you off?
Robert
What?
Carol
My father wanting to come and live with us.
Robert
No, of course I don't mind your father coming to live with us.
Carol
He wouldn't just be living with us.
Robert
What do you mean?
Carol
Well, he finds it very difficult to get to sleep on his own, so I said he could sleep with us.
Robert
He wants to put his bed in our room?
Carol
No, no, of course not.
Robert
Oh good...
Carol
Our bed is plenty big enough for three...
Robert
What?
Carol
He'd just get into bed and go to sleep.
Robert
No. I'm not having that.
Carol
Oh Robert, I thought you loved me?
Robert
Well I do, but...
Carol
Well, he wouldn't look.
Robert
He's bound to peek.
Carol
No, no, he wouldn't honestly.
Robert
No! No! No!!

Cut to the three of them in bed. Robert is in the middle. Father wears striped pyjamas, the others are nude. There is an uncomfortable silence.

Father
You young couple just carry on. Take no notice of me ... (silence; they smile half-heartedly) I don't want to feel as though I'm getting in the way.
Carol
Oh no dad, you're not.
Robert
No, no.
Father
Good.

Silence again.

Carol
Well, I think I'll get to sleep.
Father
Are you sure?
Carol
Oh yes, I'm a bit tired after the wedding.
Father
Bob, what about you?
Robert
Oh yes, all right, yes.
Father
Oh well, I seem to be O/C lights.
Carol
(to Robert) Good night, darling.
Robert
Good night.
Father
Good night!

He switches the light off. It is pitch dark. There is a long pause, then a strange scraping noise like a pencil being sharpened. The scraping is followed by sawing and is eventually replaced by short sharp knocking sounds. This goes on for some time.

Carol
Father. Father, what are you doing?
Father
I'm making a boat.
Carol
What?
Father
It's the Cutty Sark. It's a model I've been making in the dark for some years now.
Carol
Well, wouldn't it be better with the light on?
Father
No, no, I'm making it in the dark, that's the point.

There is a click. The light goes on. He looks disappointed. In his hands is a completely shapeless mass of wood and nails.

Father
Oh dear, not as accurate as I thought.
Robert
It's not the Cutty Sark!
Father
Well it hasn't got its sails yet. Oh well I'll ... I'll have a look at it in the dark room in the morning. Good night. (grunts from the others who are already snuggling down; lights go off; silence)