Savage Christmas 2002
This week docweasel.com brings you four touching and inspirational stories of Christmas, with a barbaric touch. God Bless.
Waiting for Santa
Little Bobby was so excited he couldn’t even shut his eyes, let alone sleep. The sounds of the night were muffled by the falling snow outside his bedroom window. The silent night was broken only by the soft, sweet breathing of his little brother and baby sister, her crib pushed into their room to make way for uncles, aunts and cousins in the nursery.
Bobby clutched his Teddy tightly, and strained his ears for a jingle of sleigh-bells, a tread of hooves on the roof, a rush and rustle in the chimney stack.
Ask Uncle Stupidhead
Uncle Stupidhead licensed phrenologist
Doc Weasel Presents: Ask Uncle StupidHead
Uncle Stupidhead has all the answers to all of the questions that are plaguing our society. Every week Uncle Stupidhead helps with problems from our readers. If you have a question for Uncle Stupidhead about life, love, or your liver, E-mail Uncle Stupid
The most entertaining track on the album has to be “PJ + Vincent & Matthew + Bjork”, which consists of a twisted pseudo-celebrity double-date over a slow cello line. Hearing an impression of Bjork telling us about her “erotic reawakening” is funny enough to make you squirt milk out your nose.
Lesbians in Fact & Fiction
This week docweasel.com takes its usual incisive, brutal, sexist and exploitative look at the discrepency between lesbians in popular culture and lesbians in real life, both in their visual images and in how they are portrayed in erotic literature and how they actually have sex.
Heather was in a room full of women. Butches were all over the place, wide, narrow, tall, and short. Three butches for every femme, and of course the femmes loved it, and Heather told herself she ought to love it too, but she had real competition here.She had put on lipstick and a dress and heels and told herself what she needed was to be with someone tonight. Not just anyone, but someone who could make her feel good about herself again.
Hooray For Boobies! or not
Hooray For Boobies! or not
The mammarian paradox, or “look a the pair o’ dox on that babe!”
How do you know summer’s officially here? Canadian Tire can’t keep up with the demand for fans and air conditioners. Hydro bills have gone up 30%. Smog alerts. UV index reports. Humidex. Well, I suppose all of the above could be signs that summer is officially upon us, but for me, you know summer’s here when you open the paper and there’s a letter to the editor about how some disgruntled mother was shocked and appauled by another woman walking through the park without a shirt, in front of her kids no less. Imagine!
Lita’s First Time
Lita’s Story; A True Story of a Girl’s First Time with Another Girl
by Marie LeClare
An incident occurred only three weeks into my college freshman career, a few months ago actually. I was still eighteen years old at the time, really stressed out trying to adapt to college life, already wanting to get away from all of it!
Mushroomhead w/ Dry Cell and Stank Live Show Review
Artists: MUSHROOMHEAD w/ Dry Cell and Stank
Location: The Abyss in Virginia Beach, VA
This was a show I absolutely could not wait for. The chance to finally see Mushroomhead live was something not to be missed.
This was an off-date from the Locobazooka tour that features Mushroomehad and Dry Cell alongside bands like Filter, Sevendust, Nonpoint, and Audiovent.
Also, it’s worth noting that Reveille was supposed to play this show, but apparently dropped off the Locobazooka tour the day of or the day before the show.
WTC One Year Later
Above: Police composite drawing of ‘faceless coward’ suspected of complicity in WTC attack.
New York City, NY–One year ago this week Doc Weasel and his team of crack reporters took to the streets to report on some of the stories the ‘mainstream’ news refused to ‘cover’ or even use ‘quotation marks’ around. These are some of the important ‘sidelights’ to the tragedy at the WTC on 9/11/01, revisited one year later.
Nile “In Their Darkened Shrines” tour/ Live Show Review
I just fucking love Nile, everything about them kick ass, so I definately thought they kicked ass live. I’ve been told that Nile are the current leaders of putting on live Death Metal shows and that is completely the truth.
Custom Live Show Review
They’re … very energetic and they live to have a good time on the stage, and it comes across when they’re playing songs like “Beat Me” or “Mess.” Also, they were around outside signing autographs and talking to people at great length about the show, the band’s history, and anything else they wanted to talk about.
Custom Live Show Review
Aug 01, 2002
Artists: CUSTOM w/ Driven
Location: Nocturnal Café inside The Abyss, Virginia Beach, VA
Macca vs. Lennon
I’m prompted to write this because of the death of George Harrison, but its been on my mind for years, actually. Of course, today is a very sad day. He will be missed. I’ve been a Beatles freak since I was a little kid, long after they had broken up I still knew they were the greatest band ever. No pop group has ever had such a profound effect no only on music, pop culture, movies, fashion and literature, but on much deeper things like the peace movement, philosophy and religion. I think George was always in the forefront. He did it in a very humble and self-effacing way. He held the first ever ‘star-studded benefit’, and did it in a way not to glamourize himself, but to play up the cause.
Nile / In Their Darkened Shrines
From reading the lyrics to hearing all the different ancient musical instruments used in the music, it is obvious that Nile have a deep obsession and interest with the Egyptian history. Each song tells a different story, either fictional or based upon actual ancient Egyptian texts.
Creed w/ Course Of Nature, Sea Of Souls, 12 Stones, goneblind live review
Something about Mark Tremonti and his guitar playing has always been a bright spot in the dullness of Creed… but not anymore. He needs to learn that a wah pedal is NOT supposed to be used to fill empty space and ruin a good guitar part, much less a crappy one.
Creed/Live Show Review
Artists: Creed w/ Course Of Nature, Sea Of Souls, 12 Stones, goneblind
WHen: July 11 2002
Location: Verizon Wireless Virginia Beach Amphitheater, VA
Spiderman in action in the new Spiderman Movie with amazing realistic special effects!
BUY IT on Amazon
Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a CGI superhero can!
Ok, first let me say, I haven’t actually seen the movie, but I’ve seen the trailer and read a lot of comic books, so I basically figure out what happens.
From what I can gather, there is this villian named Greer Goblin (no relation to Greer Garson, a great TV character actress from the ’70’s). He’s played by William “Willum” Defoe, a craggy faced actor with a rugged, outdoorsy type of look. I knew a kid who had a skin condition like that back when I was in junior high who had really bad acne and it even oozed -we called him ‘acid-face’, you know how cruel kids can be! But it was all in fun =)
Forcing myself to listen to this album completely, without stopping once, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The memory of listening to Untouchables will continue to haunt me to the day I die. I have now suffered for my sins.
Short Review : Don’t buy this CD. Don’t download it, don’t borrow a copy, don’t do anything with a connection to this CD. It is one of the worst CDs I have ever listened to.
Everything about KMFDM revolves around themes, from the artwork, to the 5 letter titles, to the way they mix up the member roster for each album. For ATTAK, It sounds as if the band threw some songs together and called it an album… I guess if I had to give this album a theme, it would be “Tim Skold’s guitars.”
Indigo Girls/Become You
…until Salier’s “She’s Saving Me”, an angelic aria delivered with real emotion and the bitter-sweet longing of her best stuff. When Ray’s harmony rises to caress the melody, the old magical alchemy melding these two opposing forces finally transmutes mercury into gold.
“Blessed and Forsaken” is one of those songs where you scream, “HOLY FUCK!” when you are listening to it… they will brutalize anyone that gets in their path. I’m glad I wasn’t in the studio with them while they were recording this album, who knows what happened in there.
Paul McCartney Live Ice Palace
Its very gratifying that a legend like McCartney would have the musicians, stage management, production values and graciousness and class as a person to back up such amazing music. Its the gold standard, the most professional and respected act rock music has to offer.
Lord Gore / Autophagous Orgy
From the song, “Rape Camp” -“We break down your front door and take you from your children. Your husband…we fucked his corpse with all our knives.” and from the song “Last Supper” – “Peeled open your snatch like a roasted sandwich. Ripped out your asshole and drank your breastmilk.”
Rob Zombie w/ Sinisstar Live Show Review
Towards the end of the show, Rob brought out a guy with a camcorder and asked for people to kick some ass while the band played White Zombie’s classic “Thunderkiss 65.” Is it any surprise that half of the female audience was topless during this?.
Thijs van Laarhoven Severe Torture/Interview
“We are still going to that venue since we’re on the tour and I think we are going to confront this motherfucker with his pathetic way of thinking and throw him from a mountain or something. He is a real idiot! First of all he thinks it’s a female on our cover but if it was meant to be a female she would have had tits! Second, we played in that venue last year with Macabre and Broken Hope and I don’t know if you can remember the cover for ‘Feasting on Blood’ but that one was surely as brutal as this one!”
“StarWars V! (fuck Lucas, its the fifth movie, I don’t care wtf he calls it): Attack of the Drones”
Space-age technology has eliminated the camel-toe! WARNING: Healthy hetero-males will feel some urge to ejaculate on Padme’s abs. This is perfectly normal, do not be alarmed.
Ok, first let me say, I haven’t actually seen the movie, but I’ve seen a lot of short blurbs about it on TV and etc. so I basically can walk you thru it.
“Staley, whose longtime battle with drug dependency was a central component of his band’s music — a dark and bombastic sound that continues to influence artists some 15 years after the group first formed.”
Layne Staley, Alice In Chains Singer, Dead At 34
Influential vocalist’s struggle with drugs was key component of band’s music.
DVD Review: McCartney Wingspan
Paul’s nothing but consistent in his PR spin: just like his revisions of Beatles history, what might have been a reasonably amusing and informative program becomes another installment in The Gospel According to St. Paul.
Ed note: docweasel has been accused of being overly worshipful of St. Paul (see his review of McCartney’s live Tampa concert) so in the interest of balance, here is another opinion of the pretty Beatle and his works. This is a vintage review from the pre-website, lovingly reproduced here and coated with glucose.
Blowjobs 101 Sunny’s Guide to Cocksucking
Readers Ask: How do I give a proper blowjob??
Well, there’s no “proper” way to give someone a blow job, I mean, blow jobs are like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still pretty good, according to the boys who helped me in my quest for the perfect blow job techniques. So ladies, (and guys, if you’re into that sort of thing), throw out your Cosmo magazines that are full of shit, pull up a chair & take notes
First of all, think of the head of the penis like your very own clitoris. The clitoris and head of the penis have the exact same nerve endings and are made of the exact same tissue.
I’d had this great idea a long time ago to do an Alice In Chains retrospective on the band’s CDs and how they’ve progressed as songwriters and musicians. But I could never really kick myself in the ass to do it because I’d held out hope that Layne Staley could get his troubled past in order and get back with AIC to make something new.
Sunny Day Real Estate/How It Feels To Be Something On
Aaliyah Returns w/ Lisa 3rd Eye Lopez
Aaliyah: “I’m just so happy to be working with another young star who has been raised from the dead. We stayed up all last night talking and snacking on babies watching the Faces of Death marathon and just laughing our asses off. Lisa is one funny and sweet-ass little girl, even if she is a freaky looking mutant!”
Los Angeles, CA– Deceased pop-star Aaliyah held a press conference Wednesday announcing her upcoming tour with the reconstructed and rejuvenated Lisa “Third-Eye” Lopes after a successful operation to rebuild Lisa out of spare parts.
Flesheating R&B sensation Aaliyah, burnt alive and horribly disfigured in a plane crash in August 2001 and later resurrected from the grave in a Sansevarian Voodoo ritual , will combine forces with recently deceased and rebuilt Lisa “Third-Eye” (a 3rd one was installed in the gaping wound left in her forehed for extra mobility) Lopes for a 20-city “We Want To Eat Your Babies” tour.
Insomnium In the Halls of Awaiting
Sunny’s Guide to Anal Sex
Readers Ask: How can I get my girl to try anal sex?
Okay as far as actually getting her to try it, I don’t really have any advice for you other than maybe printing out some pro-anal articles on anal sex to sort of calm her fears. I’m sure you can find some if you do a google search or something.
Pending she agrees to try this with you, the following is the easiest method of doing it for the first time, or if she hasn’t done it in a long time.