Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 12: Pontius Pilate
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[trumpets]
PONTIUS PILATE: …Make one large living awea. Ahh.
CENTURION: Hail Caesar.
PILATE: Hail.
CENTURION: Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE: Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION: What, sir?
PILATE: Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION: Ah [whump]
BRIAN: Aagh!
PILATE: Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN: ‘Brian’, sir.
PILATE: ‘Bwian’, eh?
BRIAN: No, no. ‘Brian’.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE: Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION: Has what, sir?
PILATE: Spiwit.
CENTURION: Yes. He did, sir.
PILATE: No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION: Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.
PILATE: So, you dare to waid us.
BRIAN: To what, sir?
PILATE: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
[slap]
BRIAN: Aaah!
CENTURION: Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?
PILATE: What?
CENTURION: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
PILATE: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
BRIAN: Aah!
[whump]
PILATE: Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN: I’m not Jewish. I’m a Roman.
PILATE: A Woman?
BRIAN: No, no. Roman.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
BRIAN: He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
PILATE: Weally? What was his name?
BRIAN: ‘Nortius Maximus’.
CENTURION: Ahh, ha ha!
PILATE: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION: Well, no, sir.
PILATE: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
CENTURION: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it’s a joke, sir,… like, uh, ‘Sillius Soddus’ or… ‘Biggus Dickus’, sir.
GUARD #4: [chuckling]
PILATE: What’s so… funny about ‘Biggus Dickus’?
CENTURION: Well, it’s a joke name, sir.
PILATE: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called ‘Biggus Dickus’.
GUARD #4: [chuckling]
PILATE: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
BRIAN: Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Aaah! Eh.
PILATE: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
GUARD #4: [chuckling]
PILATE: Wight! Take him away!
CENTURION: Oh, sir, he– he only–
PILATE: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
CENTURION: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
GUARD #4: Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo…
PILATE: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little… giggle… when I mention my fwiend… Biggus…
GUARD #1: [chuckling]
PILATE: …Dickus?
GUARD #1: [chuckling]
PILATE: What about you? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the name… ‘Biggus’…
GUARD #3: [chuckle]
PILATE: …’Dickus’?
GUARD #1 and GUARD #2: [chuckling]
PILATE: He has a wife, you know. You know what she’s called? She’s called… ‘Incontinentia’. ‘Incontinentia Buttocks’.
GUARDS: [laughing]
PILATE: Stop! What is all this?
GUARDS: Ha, ha ha ha ha ha…
PILATE: I’ve had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You’re not– Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!