Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 26: Crucifixion Party
text in yellow is from the Director’s Cut
 |
 |
 |
 |
NISUS:
Mhmm. Crucifixion party. ‘Morning. Now, we will be on a show as we go through the town, so let’s not let the side down. Keep in a good, straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good, steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and, if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam,…
ALFONSO: Ohhh.
NISUS: …you’ll be there in no time.
ALFONSO: Ohhh.
NISUS: Heh.
ALFONSO: Ooh.
NISUS: All right, Centurion.
PARVUS: Crucifixion party! Wait for it.
ALFONSO: Ooh.
PARVUS: Crucifixion party, by the left! Forward!
BEN: You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!
[suspenseful music]
[cawk cawk cawk…]
STRAW LOOK-OUT: It is the sign!
OTTO: The sign that is the sign?
STRAW LOOK-OUT: Yes!
OTTO: Men! Our time has come. Our leader calls. Men! Forward!
[whump clunk thump whump…]
Oh, my cock.
ALFONSO: Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Oh. Oh.
SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Let me shoulder your burden, brother. Uh.
ALFONSO: Oh, thank you.
SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Uh. H– hey!
PARVUS: Oh, hey! What d’you think you’re doing?
SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Ah, i– it’s not my cross.
PARVUS: Shut up and get on with it!
MR. CHEEKY: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He had you there, mate. Didn’t he? That’ll teach you a lesson. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
SOUVENIR SHOPKEEPER: Souvenir of Calvary. Very nice little item, this. Wrap it ‘round a lamp and the crosses twinkle on and off. Very nice. Doubles as a tablecloth or a curtain or–
JUDITH: No!
SOUVENIR SHOPKEEPER: Totally washab– Oh, Pilate at it again, eh? Well, how about this, then? A couple of crosses. One slightly damaged, only very sl–