Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 14 : ‘Make sure he doesn’t leave.’
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NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
PRINCE HERBERT:
What, the curtains?
FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the
hills and valleys of this land! This’ll be your kingdom, lad.
HERBERT: But Mother–
FATHER: Father, lad. Father.
HERBERT: B– b– but Father, I don’t want any of that.
FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show ’em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one… stayed up! And that’s what you’re gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
HERBERT: But I don’t want any of that. I’d rather–
FATHER: Rather what?!
HERBERT: I’d rather…
[music]
…just… sing!
FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! You’re not going into a song while I’m here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you’re getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT: B– but I don’t want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alice,–
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: ‘Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
HERBERT: But– but I don’t like her.
FATHER: Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her?! She’s beautiful. She’s rich. She’s got huge… tracts o’ land!
HERBERT: I know, but I want the– the girl that I marry to have…
[music]
…a certain,… special… something!
FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you’re marrying Princess Lucky, so you’d better get used to the idea!
[smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave this room until I come and get him.
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him.
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.
FATHER: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1: And you’ll come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: We don’t need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1: Leaving the room. Yes.
[sniff]
FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: Oh, if– if– if, uhh– if– if– w– ehh– i– if– if we–
FATHER: Yes? What is it?
GUARD #1: Oh, i– if– i– oh–
FATHER: Look, it’s quite simple.
GUARD #1: Uh…
FATHER: You just stay here and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave the room. All right?
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER: N– no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he–
GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We’ll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him–
FATHER: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here–
GUARD #1: Until you or anyone else–
FATHER: No, not anyone else. Just me.
GUARD #1: Just you.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Get back.
GUARD #1: Get back.
FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right. We’ll stay here until you get back.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes. Make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course.
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin’ to guard him when he’s a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
FATHER: Right. Where are you going?
GUARD #1: We’re coming with you.
FATHER: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT: But Father!
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
[music]
And no singing!
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Oh, go and get a glass of water.
[clank]
[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]
[twong]
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