Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 4: Stoning
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CROWD OF WOMEN: [yelling]
JEWISH OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
MATTHIAS: Do I say ‘yes’?
STONE HELPER #1: Yes.
MATTHIAS: Yes.
OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,…
CROWD: Ooooh!
OFFICIAL: …you are to be stoned to death.
CROWD: Ahh!
MATTHIAS: Look. I– I’d had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, ‘That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.’
CROWD: Oooooh!
OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He’s said it again!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!…
OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!…
WOMAN #1: Really!
[silence]
OFFICIAL: Are there any women here today?
CROWD: No. No. No. No…
OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me–
[CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS]
MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven’t started yet!
OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.
CULPRIT WOMAN: Sorry. I thought we’d started.
OFFICIAL: Go to the back.
CULPRIT WOMAN: Oh, dear.
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OFFICIAL: Always one, isn’t there? Now, where were we?
MATTHIAS: Look. I don’t think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying ‘Jehovah’.
CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!…
OFFICIAL: You’re only making it worse for yourself!
MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
CROWD: Oooooh!…
OFFICIAL: I’m warning you. If you say ‘Jehovah’ once more–
[MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]
Right. Who threw that?
[silence]
Come on. Who threw that?
CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.
OFFICIAL: Was it you?
MRS. A.: Yes.
OFFICIAL: Right!
MRS. A.: Well, you did say ‘Jehovah’.
CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!…
[CROWD stones MRS. A.]
OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say ‘Jehovah’.
CROWD: Ooooooh!…
[CROWD stones OFFICIAL]
WOMAN #1: Good shot!
[clap clap clap]