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mplob 04 Stoning

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Monty Python’s Life of Brian


Scene 4: Stoning

CROWD OF WOMEN: [yelling]

JEWISH OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.

MATTHIAS: Do I say ‘yes’?

STONE HELPER #1: Yes.

MATTHIAS: Yes.

OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,…

CROWD: Ooooh!

OFFICIAL: …you are to be stoned to death.

CROWD: Ahh!

MATTHIAS: Look. I– I’d had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, ‘That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.’

CROWD: Oooooh!

OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He’s said it again!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!…

OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!

CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!…

WOMAN #1: Really!
[silence]

OFFICIAL: Are there any women here today?

CROWD: No. No. No. No…

OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me–
[CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS]

MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven’t started yet!

OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

CULPRIT WOMAN: Sorry. I thought we’d started.

OFFICIAL: Go to the back.

CULPRIT WOMAN: Oh, dear.

OFFICIAL: Always one, isn’t there? Now, where were we?

MATTHIAS: Look. I don’t think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying ‘Jehovah’.

CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!…

OFFICIAL: You’re only making it worse for yourself!

MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

CROWD: Oooooh!…

OFFICIAL: I’m warning you. If you say ‘Jehovah’ once more–
[MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]
Right. Who threw that?
[silence]
Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

OFFICIAL: Was it you?

MRS. A.: Yes.

OFFICIAL: Right!

MRS. A.: Well, you did say ‘Jehovah’.

CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!…
[CROWD stones MRS. A.]

OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say ‘Jehovah’.

CROWD: Ooooooh!…
[CROWD stones OFFICIAL]

WOMAN #1: Good shot!
[clap clap clap]

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