Series 1, Episode 4: Secret Service Dentist
BOOKSELLER John Cleese
ARTHUR Eric Idle
VAN DER BERG Dick Vosburgh
LAFARGE Michael Palin
NURSE Katya Wyeth
BRIAN Terry Jones
BIG CHEESE Graham Chapman
VOICE OVER Eric Idle
COLONEL Graham Chapman
(Scene: A bookshop. A Bookseller is standing behind the counter. Arthur enters the shot and goes up to the counter. The Bookseller jumps and looks around furtively.)
Bookseller: Er… oh!
Arthur: Good morning, I’d like to buy a book please.
Bookseller: Oh, well I’m afraid we don’t have any. (trying to hide them)
Arthur: I’m sorry?
Bookseller: We don’t have any books. We’re fresh out of them. Good morning.
Arthur: Well what are all these?
Bookseller: All what? Oh! All these, ah ah ha ha. Your referring to these … books.
Bookseller: They’re um … they’re all sold. Good morning.
Arthur: What all of them?
Bookseller: Every single man Jack of them. Not a single one of them in an unsold state. Good morning.
Arthur: Who to?
Arthur: Who are they sold to?
Bookseller: Oh … various … good Lord is that the time? Oh my goodness I must close for lunch.
Arthur: It’s only half past ten.
Bookseller: Ah yes, well I feel rather peckish … very peckish actually, I don’t expect I’ll open again today. I think I’ll have a really good feed. I say! Look at that lovely bookshop just across the road there, they’ve got a much better selection than we’ve got, probably at ridiculously low prices … just across the road there. (he has the door open) Good morning.
Arthur: But I was told to come here.
Bookseller: (bundling him back in) Well. Well, I see. Er … (very, carefully) hear the gooseberries are doing well this year… and so are the mangoes. (winks)
Arthur: I’m sorry?
Bookseller: Er .,. oh . .. I was just saying … thinking of the weather.. I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year… and so are the mangoes.
Arthur: Mine aren’t.
Bookseller: (nodding keenly, with anticipation) Go on…
Bookseller: Go on – mine aren’t … but…
Bookseller: Aren’t you going to say something about ‘mine aren’t but the Big Cheese gets his at low tide tonight’?
Bookseller: Oh, ah, good morning, (starts to bundle him out then stops) Wait. Who sent you?
Arthur: The little old lady in the sweet shop.
Bookseller: She didn’t have a duelling scar just here … and a hook?
Bookseller: Of course not, I was thinkimg of somebody else. Good morning.
Arthur: Wait a minute, there’s something going on here.
Bookseller: (spinning round.) What, where? You didn’t see anything did you?
Arthur: No, but I think there’s something going on here.
Bookseller: No no, well there’s nothing going on here at all (shouts off)and he didn’t see anything. Good morning.
Arthur: (coming back into shop) There is something going on.
Bookseller: Look there is nothing going on. Please believe me, there is abso… (a hand comes into view behind Arthur’s back; Bookseller frantically waves at it to disappear; it does so) . . . lutely nothing going on. Is there anything going on?
(A man appears, fleetingly: he is Van der Berg)
Van der Berg: No there’s nothing going on. (disappears)
Bookseller: See there’s nothing going on.
Arthur: Who was that?
Bookseller: That was my aunt, look what was this book you wanted then? Quickly! Quickly!
Arthur: Oh, well, I’d like to buy a copy of an ‘Illustrated History of False Teeth’.
Bookseller: My God you’ve got guts.
Bookseller: (pulling gun) Just how much do you know?
Arthur: What about?
Bookseller: Are you from the British Dental Association?
Arthur: No I’m a tobacconist.
Bookseller: Get away from that door.
Arthur: I’ll just go over the other…
Bookseller: Stay where you are. You’ll never leave this bookshop alive.
Arthur: Why not?
Bookseller: You know too much, my dental friend.
Arthur: I don’t know anything.
Bookseller: Come clean. You’re a dentist aren’t you.
Arthur: No, I’m a tobacconist.
Bookseller: A tobacconist who just happens to be buying a book on …teeth?
Bookseller: Ha ha ha ha…
(Lafarge enters room with gun. He is swarthy, French, dressed all in black and menacing.)
Lafarge: Drop that gun, Stapleton.
Bookseller: Lafrage! (he drops the gun)
Arthur: There is something going on.
Bookseller: No there isn’t.
Lafarge: OK Stapleton, this is it. Where’s Mahoney hidden the fillings?
Bookseller: What fillings?
Lafarge: You know which fillings, Stapleton. Upper right two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on. (he threatens with the gun) Remember what happened to Nigel.
Arthur: What happened to Nigel?
Bookseller: Orthodontic Jake gave him a gelignite mouth wash.
Arthur: I knew there was something going on.
Bookseller: Well there isn’t.
Lafarge: Come on Stapleton. The fillings!
Bookseller: They’re at 22 Wimpole Street.
Lafarge: Don’t play games with me! (pokes bookseller in eye with the gun)
Bookseller: Oh, oh, 22a Wimpole Street.
Lafarge: That’s better.
Bookseller: But you’ll need an appointment.
Lafarge: OK (shouting out of shop) Brian! Make with the appointment baby. No gas.
(Van der Berg appears with machine gun and a nurse, he is basically dressed as a dentist. But with many rings, chains, writlets, cravats, buckled shoes and an ear-ring.)
Van der Berg: Not so fast Lafarge!
Lafarge: Van der Berg!
Van der Berg: Yes. Now drop the roscoe.
Arthur: There is something going on.
Bookseller: No there isn’t.
Van der Berg: Get the guns.
(The nurse runs forward, picks up the gun and puts it on steel surgeon’s tray, and covers it with a white cloth, returning it to Van der Berg.)
Arthur: Who’s that?
Bookseller: That’s Van der Berg. He’s on our side.
Van der Berg: All right, get up against the wall Lafarge, and you too Stapleton.
Van der Berg: Yes, you!
Bookseller: You dirty double-crossing rat.
Arthur: (going with Bookseller) What’s happened?
Bookseller: He’s two-timed me.
Arthur: Bad luck.
Van der Berg: All right … where are the fillings? Answer me, where are they?
Arthur: This is quite exciting.
(Brian enters carrying a bazooka. Brian is dressed in operating-theatre clothes, gown, cap and mask, with rubber gloves and white wellingtons.)
Brian: Not so fast.
Arthur: Ooh, what’s that?
The Others: It’s a bazooka.
Brian: All right. Get against the wall Van der Berg … and you nurse. And the first one to try anything moves to a practice six feet underground … this is an anti-tank gun … and it’s loaded …and you’ve just got five seconds to tell me … whatever happened to Baby Jane?
Brian: Oh … I’m sorry … my mind was wandering … I’ve had a terrible day… I really have … you’ve got five seconds to tell me… I’ve forgotten. I’ve forgotten.
Bookseller: The five seconds haven’t started yet have they?
Van der Berg: Only we don’t know the question.
Arthur: Was it about Vogler?
Brian: No, no… no … you’ve got five seconds to tell me…
Van der Berg: About Nigel?
Brian: No. No.
Arthur: The fillings!
Brian: Oh yes, the fillings, of course. How stupid of me. Right, you’ve got five seconds … (clears throat) Where are the fillings? Five, four, three, two, one, Zero! (there is a long pause, Brian has forgotten to fire the bazooka but he can’t put his finger on what has gone wrong) Zero! (looks at gun) Oh! I’ve forgotten to fire it. Sorry. Silly day. Very well. (quite rapidly) Five, four, three, two, one.
(A panel slides back and the Big Cheese appears in sight seated in adentist’s chair. The Big Cheese is in dentist’s gear, wears evil magnifing type glasses and strokes a rabbit lying on his lap.)
Big Cheese: Drop the bazooka Brian.
All: The Big Cheese!
(Brian drops the bazooka.)
Big Cheese: I’m glad you could all come to my little … party. And Flopsy’s glad too, aren’t you, Flopsy? (he holds rabbit up as it does not reply) Aren’t you Flopsy? (no reply again so he pulls a big revolver out and fires at rabbit from point-blank range) That’ll teach you to play hard to get. There, poor Flopsy’s dead. And never called me mother. And soon … you will all be dead, dead, dead, dead. (the crowd start to hiss him) And because I’m so evil you’ll all die the slow way … under the drill.
Arthur: lt’s one o’clock.
Big Cheese: So it is. Lunch break, everyone back here at two.
(They, all happily relax and walk off. Arthur surreptitiously goes to telephone and, making sure nobody is looking, calls)
Arthur: Hallo … give me the British Dental Association … and fast.
(Cut to Arthur dressed normally as dentist leaning over patient in chair. He looks up to camera.)
Arthur: You see, I knew there was something going on. Of course, the Big Cheese made two mistakes. First of all he didn’t recognize me: Lemming, Arthur Lemming, Special Investigator, British Dental Association, and second … (to patient) spit … by the time I got back from lunch I had every dental surgeon in SWI waiting for them all in the broom cupboard. Funny isn’t it, how naughty dentists always make that one fatal mistake. Bye for now … keep your teeth clean.
(Cut to photo of Arthur Lemming, with superimposed caption on screen: ‘LEMMING OF THE BDA’ Over this we hear a song.)
Song: (Voice over pre-recorded) Lemming, Lemming … Lemming of the BDA .. Lemming, Lemming … Lemming of the BD …Lemming of the BD … BD, BDA.
Voice Over: and Caption on Screen: ‘IT’S A MAN’S LIFE IN THE BRITISH DENTAL ASSOCIATION’
Colonel: (knocking the photo aside) Right! No, I warned you, no, I warned you about the slogan, right. That’s the end. Stop the programme! Stop it.
(Cut to referee blowing whistle.)