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Series 2, Episode 22: Euro-police Song Contest
The cast:
MUFFIN Michael Palin
DUCKIE Terry Jones
GIRL Eric Idle
VOICE OVER Michael Palin
ZATAPATHIQUE Graham Chapman
The sketch:
(A door opens and a plainclothes deteaive plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.)
Muffin: Ah! Hello, Duckie.
Duckie: Hello, sir. How are you?
Muffin: I’m fine thanks. How are you?
Duckie: Well, sir, I’m a little bit moody today, sir.
Muffin: Why’s that, Duckie?
Duckie: Because…
(Rhythm combo starts up out of vision and Detective Duckie sings. Superimposed caption on screen: ‘SGT DUCKIE’S SONG’)
Duckie:
I’m a little bit sad and lonely
Now my baby’s gone away…
I’m feeling kinda blue
Don’t know just what to do
I feel a little sad today.
Chorus of PCs:
He’s a little bit sad and lonely
Now his baby’s gone away
He’s feeling kinda blue
He don’t know just what to do
He’s not feeling so good today.
Duckie: (solo)
When I smile
The sun comes flooding in
But when I’m sad
It goes behind the clouds again.
Chorus:
He’s a little bit sad and lonely
Now his baby’s gone away
He’s feeling kinda (they stop abruptly and say)
etcetera, etcetera. (applause)
Muffin: A lovely song, Duckie.
(Eurovision girl comes in.)
Girl: And that’s the final entry. La derniere entree. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores! (cut to scoreboard in Chinese) Yes, Monaco is the winner – hall Monaco is the linner- oh yes, man, Monaco’s won de big prize, bwana … and now, here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique with the winning song once again.
(The accompaniment starts as the singers hum the intro. Cut to flashy Eurovision set. Zatapathique steps onto podium.)
Voice Over: (hushed tone) And so, Inspector Zatapathique, the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad sings his song; ‘Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong’.
Zatapathique: (spoken) Quoi? Quoi? Tout le monde, quoi?… mais, le monde… d’habitude… mais… je pense …
Zatapathique and Singers:
Bing tiddle tiddle bang
Bing tiddle fiddle bing
Bing fiddle fiddle tiddle tiddle
Bing fiddle tiddle tiddle BONG!
(Credits over. Zatapathique finishes and bends over exhausted. An arrow indicates his rear)
Voice Over: Number thirty-one. The end.