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Series 2, Episode 24: Conquistador Coffee
The cast:
BOSS John Cleese
FROG Eric Idle
The sketch:
(An office. Boss is reading a book, ‘Chinese for Business Men’. He tries out a few Chinese words. There is a knock at the door.)
Boss: Come in. (Mr Frog comes in) Ah, Frog.
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up, I want to have a word with you, Frog.
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up. It’s about your advertising campaign for Conquistador Coffee. Now, I’ve had the managing director of Conquistador to see me this morning and he’s very unhappy with your campaign. Very unhappy. In fact, he’s shot himself.
Frog: Badly, sir?
Boss: No, extremely well. (lifts up a leg belonging to a body behind desk, and holds up a card saying ‘joke’) Well, before he went he left a note with the company secretary (opens a nearby door; a dead company secretary falls out), the effect of which was how disappointed he was with your work and, in particular, why you had changed the name from Conquistador Instant Coffee to Conquistador Instant Leprosy. Why, Frog?
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up. Why did you do it?
Frog: It was a joke.
Boss: A joke? (holds up card saying ‘joke’)
Frog: No, no not a joke, a sales campaign. (holds up a card saying ‘No, a Sales Campaign)
Boss: I see, Frog.
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up. Now, let’s have a look at the sales chart. (indicates a plummeting sales graph) When you took over this account, Frog, Conquistador were a brand leader. Here you introduced your first campaign, ‘Conquistador coffee brings a new meaning to the word vomit’. Here you made your special introductory offer of a free dead dog with every jar, and this followed your second campaign ‘the tingling fresh coffee which brings you exciting new cholera, mange, dropsy, the clap, hard pad and athlete’s head. From the House of Conquistador’.
Frog: It was a soft-sell, sir.
Boss: Why, Frog?
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up! Well?
Frog: Well, people know the name, sir.
Boss: They certainly do know the name – they burnt the factory down. The owner is hiding in the bathroom (shot heard) – the owner was hiding in my bathroom. (holds up ‘joke’ card again)
Frog: You’re not going to fire me, sir?
Boss: Fire you? Three men dead, the factory burnt down, the account lost and our firm completely bankrupt, what… what… what … can you possibly say? What excuse can you possibly make?
Frog: Sorry, father. (holds up the ‘joke’ card)
Boss: Oh, yes. Oh, incidentally your film’s won a prize.
(He opens a venetian blind on the window to reveal the film: a coastline. Panning shot of hills rolling down into the sea, waves breaking on the shore. Travelogue music (Malcolm Arnold type) over this. Suddenly the music sticks, and keeps repeating one phrase.)