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Series 2, Episode 25: Hungarian Phrasebook
The cast:
HUNGARIAN John Cleese
CLERK Terry Jones
POLICEMAN Graham Chapman
The sketch:
(Set: A tobacconist’s shop.)
Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets – many of them Hungarians (not the streets – the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist’s shops to buy cigarettes….
A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist’s.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist’s, it is scratched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco…um…cigarettes (holds up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh…My hovercraft is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)…is full of eels
(pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant…do you waaaaaant…to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don’t think you’re using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That’ll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I…I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh…(takes phrase book, flips through it)…Costs six and six…ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk.
Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist’s.
Cop: What’s going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait ’til lunchtime. (points at clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!
(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.
The cast:
JUDGE Terry Jones
BAILIFF Eric Idle
LAWYER John Cleese
COP Graham Chapman (still)
PUBLISHER Michael Palin
The sketch:
Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt!
(voices sing out the name several times)
Judge: Oh, shut up!
Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.
Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: I am.
Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Publisher: Not guilty.
Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.
Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?
Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.
Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?
Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.
Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?
Publisher: Yes.
Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!
(lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)
Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.
Bailiff: That’s fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.
Publisher: I did.
Bailiff: I quote one example. The Hungarian phrase meaning “Can you direct me to the station?” is translated by the English phrase, “Please fondle my bum.”
Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.
Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m’lord?
Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!
(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.)
Judge: Why on earth didn’t you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?
Cop: I didn’t know an acceptable legal phrase, m’lord.
(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)
Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there’s any more stock film of women applauding, I’ll clear the court.