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Series 3, Episode 29: Argument Clinic
The cast:
MAN Michael Palin
RECEPTIONIST Rita Davies
MR. BARNARD Graham Chapman
MR. VIBRATING John Cleese
COMPLAINER Eric Idle
SPREADERS Terry Jones
The sketch:
Man: Ah. I’d like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven’t, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It’s one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I’ll see who’s free at the moment.
(Pause)
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man: Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that…
Mr Barnard: Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?
Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I’m not going to just stand…!!
Mr Barnard: OH, oh I’m sorry, but this is abuse.
Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr Barnard: Not at all.
Man: Thank You.
Mr Barnard:(Under his breath) Stupid git!!
(Walk down the corridor)
Man: (Knock)
Mr Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I told you once.
Man: No you haven’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn’t
Mr Vibrating: I did!
Man: You didn’t!
Mr Vibrating: I’m telling you I did!
Man: You did not!!
Mr Vibrating: Oh, I’m sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Look, let’s get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
Man: No you did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn’t.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Oh look, this isn’t an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn’t. It’s just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: It is!
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: Look, you just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: I did not.
Man: Oh you did!!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.
Man: You did just then.
Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: Oh, this is futile!
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn’t; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn’t just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can’t. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: Yes it is! It’s not just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that’s not just saying ‘No it isn’t.’
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn’t!
Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: It is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look.
Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That’s it. Good morning.
Man: I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!
Mr Vibrating: I’m afraid it was.
Man: It wasn’t. (Pause)
Mr Vibrating: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue anymore.
Man: What?!
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
Mr Vibrating: (Hums)
Man: Look, this is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!
Man: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That wasn’t really five minutes, just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid.
Man: I just paid!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn’t.
Man: I DID!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn’t.
Man: Look, I don’t want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn’t pay.
Man: Aha. If I didn’t pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven’t.
Man: Yes I have. If you’re arguing, I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh I’ve had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven’t.
Man: Oh Shut up.
(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
Man: I want to complain.
Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I’ve only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Man: No, I want to complain about…
Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man: Oh!
Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it’s not a very fine day and I’m sick and tired of this office.
(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
Man: Hello, I want to… Ooooh!
Spreaders: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
Man: uuuwwhh!!
Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
Man: No.
Spreaders: Now..
Man: Waaaaah!!!
Spreaders: Good, Good! That’s it.
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: What?
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes!
Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?
Man: I wanted to complain.
Spreaders: Oh no, that’s next door. It’s being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept.
(Detective Inspector Fox enters.)