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Series 3, Episode 31: Miss Anne Elk
The cast:
PRESENTER Graham Chapman
ANNE ELK John Cleese
The sketch:
Presenter: Good evening. Tonight: “dinosaurs”. I have here, sitting in the studio next to me, an elk. Ahhhh!!! Oh, I’m sorry! Anne Elk – Mrs Anne Elk
Anne Elk: Miss!
Presenter: Miss Anne Elk, who is an expert on di…
Anne Elk: N’ n’ n’ n’ no! Anne Elk!
Presenter: What?
Anne Elk: Anne Elk, not Anne Expert!
Presenter: No! No, I was saying that you, Miss Anne Elk, were an , A-N not A-N-N-E, expert…
Anne Elk: Oh!
Presenter: …on elks – I’m sorry, on dinosaurs. I’m …
Anne Elk: Yes, I certainly am, Chris. How very true. My word yes.
Presenter: Now, Miss Elk – Anne – you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Anne Elk: Can I just say here, Chris for one moment, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?
Presenter: Uh… Exactly… What is it?
Anne Elk: Where?
Presenter: No! No, what is your theory?
Anne Elk: What is my theory?
Presenter: Yes!
Anne Elk: What is my theory that it is? Yes. Well, you may well ask what is my theory.
Presenter: I am asking.
Anne Elk: And well you may. Yes, my word, you may well ask what it is, this theory of mine. Well, this theory, that I have, that is to say, which is mine,… is mine.
Presenter: I know it’s yours! What is it?
Anne Elk: … Where? … Oh! Oh! What is my theory?
Presenter: Yes!
Anne Elk: Ahh! My theory, that I have, follows the lines that I am about to relate.
(starts prolonged throat clearing)
Presenter: (under breath) Oh, God!
(Anne still clearing throat)
Anne Elk: The Theory, by A. Elk (that’s “A” for Anne”, it’s not by a elk.)
Presenter: Right…
Anne Elk: (clears throat) This theory, which belongs to me, is as follows…
(more throat clearing)
This is how it goes…
(clears throat)
The next thing that I am about to say is my theory.
(clears throat)
Ready?
Presenter: (whimpers)
Anne Elk: The Theory, by A. Elk (Miss). My theory is along the following lines…
Presenter: (under breath) God!
Anne Elk: …All brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine and what it is, too.
Presenter: That’s it, is it?
Anne Elk: Right, Chris!
Presenter: Well, Anne, this theory of yours seems to have hit the nail right on the head.
Anne Elk: … and it’s mine.
Presenter: Thank you for coming along to the studio.
Anne Elk: My pleasure, Chris.
Presenter: Britain’s newest wasp farm…
Anne Elk: It’s been a lot of fun…
Presenter: …opened last week…
Anne Elk: …saying what my theory is…
Presenter: … Yes, thank you.
Anne Elk: …and whose it is.
Presenter: Yes…. opened last week…
Anne Elk: I have another theory.
Presenter: Not today, thank you.
Anne Elk: My theory #2, which is the second theory that I have.
(clears throat)
This theory…
Presenter: Look! Shut up!
Anne Elk: …is what I am about to say.
Presenter: Please shut up!
Anne Elk: which, with what I have said, are the two theories that are mine and which belong to me.
Presenter: If you don’t shut up, I shall have to shoot you!
Anne Elk: (clears throat) My theory, which I posses the ownership of, which belongs to…
(Sound of a single gun shot)
Anne Elk: (clearing throat) The Theory the Second, by Anne…
(Sound of prolonged machine gun fire)