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Series 3, Episode 38: Unexploded Scotsmen
The cast:
FIRST MAJOR Eric Idle
SECOND MAJOR John Cleese
The sketch:
(Cut to Red Square.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘THE KREMLIT’
(The ‘t’ is crossed out and ‘n ‘ written in. Cut to two Russian majors in a conference room.)
First Major: Svientitzi hobonwy kratow sveguminurdy.
SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLES: ‘THESE ARE THE VERY IMPORTANT SECRET DOCUMENTS I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT’
Second Major: We must study them in conditions of absolute secrecy.
(Superimposed subtitle in Russian.)
First Major: (speaks in Russian)
SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: ‘WHAT?’
Second Major: (looking up) Look out!
SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: ‘REGARDEZ LA!’
(They cower as MacDonald flashes through the skylight and lands on the table where he lies rigid with his knees drawn up. He ticks ominously.)
Second Major: He hasn’t gone off.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘ZE HABE NICHT OESHPLODEN’
First Major: (speaks in Russian)
SUBTITLE: ‘QUICK! RING THE UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN SQUAD’
Second Major: Yes my General!
(Superimposed subtitle in Chinese.)
(Cut to a phone ringing on the branch of a tree. Pull back to show a Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up in the middle of a field. Two Russian bomb experts are crawling towards him cautiously.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN DISPOSAL SQUAD’
(They go to work on him. Tense close ups. They sweat. Finally they remove his head. One of them runs hurriedly and places it in a bucket labelled ‘Vodka ‘.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘WHISKY’
(The sound of drunken gurglings comes from the bucket.)