Series 4, Episode 45: A Doctor Whose Patients Are Stabbed by His Nurse
DOCTOR Graham Chapman
MR. COTTON Terry Gilliam
MR. WILLIAMS Terry Jones
NURSE Carol Cleveland
The sketch:(Cut to a doctor’s surgery. It has a wall shrine with a photo of Christiaan Barnard with flowers and candles in front of it. The doctor is talking to an embarrassed-looking man.)
Doctor: Well, Mr Cotton, you have what we in the medical profession call a naughty complaint. My advice to you is to put this paper bag over your head – it has little holes there for your eyes, you see – and to ring this bell, and to take this card along to your hospital.
(he hands him card three feet long which reads ‘For Special Treatment’)
And I shall inform all your relatives and friends and anyone else I bump into. OK… cash, wasn’t it?
(the man hands him over wad of fivers)
Thank you very much. Get out.
(the man gets up to go)
Dirty little man.
(he picks up big text book entitled ‘Medical Practice’ and flicks through the pages)
Hmm… hmm… Hippocratic oath… it’s not in there… jolly good. Very useful. Next!
(An out-of-vision scream. A man staggers in clutching his bleeding stomach. Lots of blood pours out of him throughout the scene.)
Doctor: Ah, yes you must be Mr Williams.
Williams: (obviously fatally wounded) Y… yes…
Doctor: Well, do take a seat. What seems to be the trouble?
Williams: I’ve… I’ve just been stabbed by your nurse…
Doctor: Oh dear…. well I’d probably better have a look at you then. Could you fill in this form first? (he hands him a form)
Williams: She just stabbed me…
Doctor: Yes. She’s an unpredictable sort. Look, you seem to be bleeding rather badly. I think you’d better hurry up and fill in that form.
Williams: Ahhh… couldn’t… I… do… it… later, doctor!
Doctor: No, no. You’d have bled to death by then. Can you hold a pen?
Williams: I’ll try.
(With great effort he releases one of his hands from his bleeding stomach.)
Doctor: Yes, it’s a hell of a nuisance all this damn paperwork, really it is… (he gets up and strolls around fairer unconcerned) it’s a real nightmare, this damned paperwork. It really is a hell of a nuisance. Something ought to be done about it.
Williams: Do I have to answer all the questions, doctor?
Doctor: No, no, no, just fill in as many as you can – no need to go into too much detail. I don’t know why we bother with it all, really, it’s such a nuisance. Well let’s see how you’ve done, then… (Williams half collapses) Oh dear oh dear… that’s not very good, is it. Look, surely you knew number four!
Williams: No… I didn’t…
Doctor: It’s from ‘The Merchant of Venice’ – even I know that!
Williams: (bleeding profusely) It’s going on the carpet, doctor.
Doctor: Oh don’t worry about that! Look at this – number six – the Treaty of Versailles, Didn’t you know that? Oh, my God.
Williams: Ahgg… aghhh.
Doctor: And number nine – Emerson Fittipaldi! (gives Williams a look) Virginia Wade? You must be mad!
(The nurse enters with a smoking revolver.)
Nurse: Oh doctor, I’ve just shot another patient. I don’t think there’s any point in your seeing him.
Doctor: You didn’t kill him, did you?
Nurse: ‘Fraid so.
Doctor: You mustn’t kill them, nurse.
Nurse: Oh, I’m sorry doctor. It was just on the spur of the moment. Rather silly really.
(She exits, taking a sword from the wall. Through the next bit of the scene we hear screams off.)
Williams: I’m sorry about the carpet, doctor.
Doctor: Mr Williams, I’m afraid I can’t give you any marks, so I won’t be able to recommend you for hospital. Tell you what – I’ll stop the bleeding – but strictly speaking I shouldn’t even do that on marks like these…
(The nurse enters covered in blood)
Nurse: There are no more patients now, doctor.
Doctor: Oh well, let’s-go and have lunch, then.
Nurse: What about… er… (she points to Williams who is lying on the floor gurgling by this time)
Doctor: Ah yes – look, Mr Williams we’re just popping out for a bite of lunch while we’ve got a spare moment, you know. Look, have another bash at the form… and if at least you can answer the question on history right, then we may be able to give you some morphine or something like that, OK?
Williams: Thank you, doctor, thank you.