Series 1, Episode 6: Policemen/Scotsman on a Horse
MUM Terry Jones
DAD Ian Davidson
FIRST SCOTSMAN John Cleese
SECOND SCOTSMAN Michael Palin
(Scene : A working-class kitchen.)
Mum: (reading newspaper) D’you read that, Edgar?
Dad: What’s that dear?
Mum: There’s been another Indian massacre at Dorking Civic Theatre.
Dad: About time too dear…
Mum: ‘Those who were left alive at the end got their money back’.
Dad: That’s what live theatre needs – a few more massacres…
Mum: ‘The police are anxious to speak to anyone who saw the crime, ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen.’
(Suddenly a policeman walks in between the couple and the camera.)
Policeman: (to camera) Yes! Policemen make wonderful friends. So if you are over six feet tall and would like a friend, a pen friend, in the police force, here is the address to write to: ‘Mrs Ena Frog, 8 Masonic Apron Street, Cowdenbeath’.
Remember-policemen make wonderful friends. So write today and take advantage of our free officer. Thank you. And now for the next sketch.
(The policeman retrieves his helmet, shakes it, proffers it to mum at the table. She takes out a small folded bit of paper, opens and reads.)
Mum: A Scotsman on a horse.
Policeman: For Mrs Emma Hamilton of Nelson, a Scotsman on a horse.
(A Scotsman rides up to the camera and looks around, puzzled.)
In long-shot we see him riding off. At a wee Scottish kirk another Scotsman is waiting at the head of the aisle to be married. Intercut between first Scotsman galloping through the countryside and the wedding procession coming up the aisle. The wedding takes place; just as it finishes the first Scotsman rides up to the kirk and rushes in. The assembled congregation look at him in alarm as he surveys them; then he picks up the other Scotsman and carries him off. Cut to film of Women’s Institute audience applauding.)