Series 1, Episode 13: Psychiatry
RECEPTIONIST Carol Celeveland
PSYCHIATRIST John Cleese
PHELPS Terry Jones
NOTLOB Michael Palin
(Animation link runs into a psychiatrist’s consulting room. The psychiatrist at his desk. The door opens and a receptionist looks in.)
Receptionist: Dr Larch … there’s a Mr Phelps to see you.
Psychiatrist: Er, nurse!
Psychiatrist: (whispering) Er, you don’t think you should make it clear that I’m a psychiatrist
Psychiatrist: Well, I could be any type of doctor.
Receptionist: Well I can’t come in and say Psychiatrist Larch’ or ‘Dr Larch who is a psychiatrist’. Oh, anyway look, its written on the door.
Psychiatrist: (stir whispering) That’s outside.
Receptionist: Well, I don’t care, you’ll just have to do it yourself. (she leaves)
Psychiatrist: (goes ‘brr brr’, then picks up phone) Hello. Er, no, wrong number I’m afraid, this is a psychiatrist speaking. Next please. (knock at the door) Er, come in.
(Phelps comes in dressed as Napoleon, with a parrot on his head, and a lead with nothing on it.)
Phelps: Bow, wow, wow.
Psychiatrist: Ah Mr Phelps. Come on in, take a seat. Now what seems to be the matter?
Phelps: No, no, no. No. No.
Psychiatrist: I’m sorry?
Phelps: Oh can’t you do better than that? I mean it’s so predictable I’ve seen it a million times. Knock, knock, knock come in, ah Mr Phelps take a seat. I’ve seen it and seen it.
Psychiatrist: Well look will you please sit down and do your first line.
Phelps: No. No. I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough. (he exits)
Psychiatrist: I can’t even get it started.
Phelps: (off) Albatross!
Psychiatrist: Shut up! Oh it drives me mad.
(Cut to a man in limbo: Mr Notlob.)
Notlob: A mad psychiatrist, that’d be new.
(Cut back to the psychiatrist.)
Psychiatrist: Next please.
(Knocking at door. Psychiatrist is about to call when he picks up a thesaurus and thumbs through it.)
Psychiatrist: Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress, gain admittance, infiltrate.
(Notlob enters in an ordinary suit) Ah Mr Notlob, ah park your hips, on the sitting device.
Notlob: (to camera) It is a mad psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist: I’m not. I’m not. Come on in. Take a seat. What’s, what’s the matter?
(Cut to Napoleon in limbo; he blows a raspberry.)
Psychiatrist: Now what’s the matter?
Notlob: Well I keep hearing guitars playing and people singing when there’s no one around.
Psychiatrist: Yes, well this is not at all uncommon. In certain mental states we find that auditory hallucinations occur which are of a most … (he steps suddenly and listens; the sound of ‘We’re all going to the zoo tomorrow’ is heard) Is that ‘We’re all going to the zoo tomorrow’?
Notlob: Yes. Yes.
Psychiatrist: Is it always that?
Psychiatrist: Well that’s something.
Notlob: But it’s mainly folk songs.
Psychiatrist: (concerned) Oh my God.
Notlob: Last night I had ‘I’ll never fall in love again’ for six hours.
Psychiatrist: Well look, I think I’d better have a second opinion on this. I want you to see a colleague of mine, a specialist in these sort of things, who has an office very much like this one as a matter of fact.
(Sketch continues… with the
Operating Theatre (Squatters) sketch.)