Series 2, Episode 19: Timmy Williams’ Coffee Time
TIMMY Eric Idle
NIGEL Terry Jones
REPORTER Graham Chapman
PETER John Cleese
WAITER Michael Palin
(Animation sketch leading to a booth in a quite expensive looking coffee shop, Italian style. Nigel is sitting there. Timmy William comes in. He has just the faintest passing resemblance to David Frost.)
Timmy: Nigel! Wonderful to see you, super, super, super. Am I a teeny bit late?
Nigel: A bit, an hour.
Timmy: Oh, super! Only Snowdon’s been re-touching my profile and we can’t upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?
Nigel: Gosh, no.
(A man passes.)
Timmy: (gets up and clasps his hands) … David Bloggs … the one and only … super to see you. Who are you working for? Come and work for me, I’ll call you tomorrow. (sits down) It’s really lovely to have this little chat with you.
Nigel: Well, I…
Timmy: It is so nice to have this little talk about things. I heard a teeny rumourlette that you were married.
Nigel: Well, not quite, no. My wife’s just died, actually.
Timmy: Oh dear. (sees another man passing) Brian! (extends his arm) We must get together again soon. See you. Bye. (to Nigel) Well, perhaps we could do a tribute to her on the show.
Nigel: Well, no. I…
Timmy: I’ll get Peter, William, Arthur, Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will, John and Ray to fix it up. It is so nice having this little chat.
Nigel: Well, actually Timmy, I’m glad to get you on your own…
(A reporter comes up to the table.)
Timmy: You don’t mind if Peter just sits in, do you?
Nigel: Well, actually…
Timmy: Only he’s doing an article on me for the ‘Mail’. He’s such a lovely person.
Timmy: Peter, this is one of the nicest people in the world, Nigel Watt.
(Peter scribbles it down) W-A-double T. That’s right, yes.
Nigel: Well, actually, Timmy, the thing is, it’s a bit private.
(A writer comes to the table.)
Timmy: Oh, you don’t mind if Peter just sits in, do you? Only Peter’s writing a book on me. Peter, you know Tony from the ‘Mail’, don’t you?
Peter: Yes, we met in the Turkish bath yesterday.
Timmy: Super, super. Did it come up well in the writing yesterday?
Peter: Great, great, great.
Timmy: You took out the tummy references? (makes fatness signs)
Peter: Yes, I did.
Timmy: Super, super, super. Just to fill you in, this is Nigel Watt and we are having a little heart-to-hem. H-E-A-R-T. Smashing. Do go on, Nigel.
(They both start writing.)
Nigel: Well, well, the thing is, Timmy, um er…
(Timmy is smiling and posing. Nigel stops and looks. There is a photographer, hovering.)
Timmy: Do carry on, it’s the ‘TV Times’, only they syndicate these photographs to America. Would you mind if we just er… (grabs him by the hand and poses hearty friendship photo) Super, super. One over here, I think, Bob. A little smile, please, smashing, smashing. Feel free, Bob, to circulate, won’t you. Do go on, this is most interesting.
Nigel: Well, the thing is, Timmy, I’m a bit embarrassed.
Waiter: (coming to table) Oh, Mr. Willimas, it’s so nice to see you. Will you sign this for my little daughter, please?
Timmy: Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful. (signs) Just two lovely coffees, please.
(Director comes in.)
Director: Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go from where Mario comes in, we’re getting bad sound, OK?
Timmy: It’s German television. Isn’t it exciting, Nigel? They’re doing a prize-winning documentary on me.
(We see a film camera and the whole crew gathered round.)
Clapper Boy: ‘The Wonderful Mr Williams’, scene 239, take 2.
Timmy: (taking the cue, switches) Mario, how super to see you. How are the lovely family? Please give your little daughter this. (hands him a five pound note) Thank you. And just two lovely coffees, please.
Mario: Yes, sir.
Timmy: (to Nigel) Such a lovely waiter. Now, go on please, this is most interesting.
Nigel: Well … er… as I was saying, Timmy, my wife’s gone… gone.
(close-up on him) I’ve got three children and I’m at my wits’ end. No job, no insurance, no money at all. I’m absolutely fiat broke, I just don’t know where to turn. I… I’m absolutely at the end of my tether. You’re my only chance. Can you help me, please, Timmy?
(He looks up, Timmy isn’t there. Timmy comes bounding back.)
Timmy: Sorry, I was on the phone to America. It’s been super having this lovely little chat. We must do this again more often. Er… will you get the toffees? I’m afraid I must dash, I’m an hour late for the Israeli Embassy. (there is a shot; Nigel slumps over the table, gun in his hand) Er… did you get that shot all right, sound?
Sound Man: (off screen) Yes, fine.
Timmy: It… it wasn’t a bit too wicked, was it? I mean, it wasn’t too cruel?
Tony and Peter: No, no, no. It was great.
Timmy: No, super… well, er… I think it shows I’m human, don’t you?
Tony and Peter: Yes, great.
Timmy: Super, super. Well, the charabanc’s here. Go on, everybody. Bye.
(They all troop off after him. Theme music starts to come up, we pull back and see the camera set-up. Credits start to roll:)
Voice Over: Timmy Williams’ Coffee Time’ was brought to you live from Woppi’s in Holborn.
(Credits continue to roll:)
THEME SCRIPT BY
ENTIRELY WRITTEN BY
ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY: (these go straight through very fast)
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