Series 2, Episode 19: Registry Office
FIRST MAN Terry Jones
REGISTRAR Eric Idle
SECOND MAN Michael Palin
THIRD MAN Graham Chapman
FOURTH MAN John Cleese
VOICE OVER John Cleese
(A large sign saying ‘Registry Office ‘, ‘Marriages’ etc. A man is talking to the registrar.)
First Man: Er, excuse me, I want to get married.
Registrar: I’m afraid I’m already married, sir.
First Man: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.
Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it’ll be a bit of a wrench.
First Man: Er, no, no. That wouldn’t be necessary because…
Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I’ve just got a big mortgage.
First Man: No, no, I want to get married here.
Registrar: Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.
First Man: Look, I just want you to marry me… to…
Registrar: I want to marry you too sir, but it’s not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?
First Man: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.
Registrar: Suits me, sir. Suits me.
First Man: I don’t want to marry you!
Registrar: There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.
First Man: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.
Registrar: I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind. Please don’t trifle with my affections.
First Man: I’m sorry, but…
Registrar: That’s all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers’ tiff. But you’re not the first person to ask me today. I’ve turned down several people already.
First Man: Look, I’m already engaged.
Registrar: (agreeing and thinking) Yes, and I’m already married. Still we’ll get round it.
Second Man: (entering) Good morning. I want to get married.
Registrar: I’m afraid I’m already marrying this gentleman, sir.
Second Man: Well, can I get married after him?
Registrar: Well, divorce isn’t as quick as that, sir. Still, if you’re keen.
Third Man: (entering) I want to get married, please.
Registrar: Heavens, it’s my lucky day, isn’t it. All right, but you’ll have to wait until I’ve married these two, sir.
Third Man: What, those two getting married… Nigel What are you doing marrying him?
Registrar: He’s marrying me first, sir.
Third Man: He’s engaged to me.
Fourth Man: (big and butch) Come on, Henry.
Registrar: Blimey, the wife.
Second Man: Will you marry me?
Fourth Man: I’m already married.
(Cut to a photo of all five of them standing happily outside a house.)
Voice Over: Well, things turned out all right in the end, but you musn’t ask how ‘cos it’s naughty. They’re all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.