Series 2, Episode 21: Beethoven’s Mynah Bird
BEETHOVEN John Cleese
MRS. BEETHOVEN Graham Chapman
(Cut to Beethoven’s living room. A model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.)
Beethoven: You don’t fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I’m not deaf yet.
Mynah: Just you wait… ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the ground) Oh! Bugger…
Beethoven: Shut up!
Mynah: Right in the wing.
Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in Himmel… I never get any peace here.
(He plays the first few notes of the fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs Beethoven enters.)
Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig!
Mrs Beethoven: Have you seen the sugar bowl?
Beethoven: No, I haven’t seen the bloody sugar bowl.
Mrs Beethoven: You know … the sugar bowl.
Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl… I’m trying to finish this stinking tune! It’s driving me spare … so shut up! (she leaves; he goes into opening bars of ‘Washington Post March ) No, no, no, no, no.
(Mrs Beethoven comes back in.)
Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon?
Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon!
Mrs Beethoven: It was in the sugar bowl.
Beethoven: Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.
Mrs Beethoven: I don’t know what you see in that piano. (she goes)
Beethoven: Leave me alone!! … (gets the first eight notes right at last) …Ha! ha! ha! I’ve done it, I’ve done it!
(Mrs Beethoven comes in again.)
Mlrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea?
Mrs Beethoven: PEANUT BUTTER…
Beethoven: I’ve forgotten it. (plays a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it!
Mrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread?
Beethoven: I don’t care!!
Mrs Beethoven Ooooh! I don’t know. (she goes out)
Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs Beethoven charges in with a very loud Hoover) Mein lieber Gott! What are you doing? (a terrible clanking and bangng comes from the wall) What’s that! What’s that!
Mrs Beethoven: (still hoovering loudly) It’s the plumber!
(A jarring ring of the doorbell adds to the din.)
Beethoven: Gott in Himmel, I’m going out.
Mrs Beethoven: Well, if you’re going out don’t forget we’ve got the Mendelssohns coming for tea so don’t forget to order some pikelets.
Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets. Shakespeare never had this trouble.