Series 3, Episode 35: Bomb on Plane
FIRST PILOT Michael Palin
BADGER Eric Idle
SECOND PILOT John Cleese
STEWARDESS Carol Cleveland
HEADPHONES Graham Chapman
(Fade up on two pilots in the cockpit of an aeroplane. A stewardess is there too. After a moment or two the first pilot makes an announcement.)
First Pilot: This is Captain MacPherson welcoming you aboard East Scottish Airways. You’ll have had your tea. Our destination is Glasgow. There is no need to panic.
(The door of the cockpit opens and Mr Badger comes in.)
Badger: There’s bomb on board this plane, and I’ll tell you where it is for a thousand pounds.
Second Pilot: I don’t believe you.
Badger: If you don’t tell me where the bomb is… if I don’t give you the money… Unless you give me the bomb…
Stewardess: The money.
Badger: The money, thank you, pretty lady… the bomb will explode killing everybody.
Second Pilot: Including you.
Badger: I’ll tell you where it is for a pound.
Second Pilot: Here’s a pound.
Badger: I don’t want Scottish money. They’ve got the numbers. It can be traced.
Second Pilot: One English pound. Now where’s the bomb?
Badger: I can’t remember.
Second Pilot: You’ve forgotten.
Badger: Ay, you’d better have your pound back. Oh…
(rubs it) fingerprints.
First Pilot: Now where’s the bomb?
Badger: Ah, wait a tic, wait a tic.
(closes eyes and thinks) Er, my first is in Glasgow but not in Spain, my second is in steamer but not in train, my whole is in the luggage compartment on the plane…
(opens eyes) I’ll tell you where the bomb is for a pound.
Second Pilot: It’s in the luggage compartment.
Badger: Right. Here’s your pound..
(Enter a man with headphones.)
Headphones: This character giving you any trouble?
First Pilot: He’s ruined this sketch.
Second Pilot: Absolutely.
Headphones: Let’s go on to the next one.
Badger: ‘Wait a tic, wait a tic. No. I won’t ruin your sketch for a pound.
Second Pilot: No, no.
Headphones: Next item.
(they start to leave)