Series 3, Episode 35: Olympic Hide-and-Seek Final
COMMENTATOR Eric Idle
FRANCISCO HURON Terry Jones
DON ROBERTS Graham Chapman
FRANK BOUGH Michael Palin
OFFICIAL Michael Palin
VOICE OVER John Cleese
REDCOAT Michael Palin
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘FINAL OF THE HIDE-AND-SEEK SECOND LEO’
(Zoom in on commentator and the two finalists, forty-year-old men limbering up in shorts and singlets.)
Comentator: Hello, good afternoon and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men’s Hide-and-Seek here in the heart of Britain’s London. We’ll be surfing in just a couple of moments from now, and there you can see the two competitors Francisco Huron the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker
(we see Francisco Huron darting about, looking behind things) and there’s the man he’ll be looking for …
(we see Don Roberts practising hiding) our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form. And now in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday, Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds, in a sweetshop in Kilmarnock. And now they’re under starter’s orders.
(We see Don Roberts and Francisco Huron standing side by side, poised, looking nervous.)
Starter: (voice over) On your marks… get set…
The starter fires his pistol. Francisco Huron immediately puts his hands over eyes and starts counting.)
Francisco: Uno, dos, tres, quattro, cinque, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez …
(Meanwhile Don Roberts hails a cab. He gets in and it drives off)
Francisco: … trientay dos, trientay tres, trientay quattro…
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ’32, 33, 34′
Commentator: Well Don off to a really great start there. Remember the Paraguayan has got l1 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours…
(cut to taxi on the way to London airport) 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds to beat.
(Cut back to Frandsco still counting.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘998, 999, 1000’
Francisco: Neuvecian no nuevetay ocho, nuevecientas nuevente ye nueve, mil.
(Francisco takes his hands from his eyes and shouts) Coming!
(He starts looking around the immediate locality suspiciously. We see a plane landing. There is a sign saying ‘Benvenuto a Sardinia’. Cut to Don on a bicycle. Then running up a hill. Then going into castle. Running along corridors and eventualy pausing, looking around agitatedly, and then hiding behind a pillar. Occasionally he looks out nervously. Then cut to Francisco looking in shops in the Tottenham Court Road. Cut to studio ‘Sportsview’ desk with a Frank Bough man at it.)
Frank Bough: Well, we’ll be taking you back there as soon as there are any developments.
CAPTION: ‘SIX YEARS LATER’
(Cut back to desk. Frank Bough looks older.)
Frank Bough: We’ve just heard that something is happening in the Hide-and-Seek final, so let’s go straight over there.
(Cut to film of Francisco Huron. He is wandering around looking for Don. Roberts in a beach setting. The commentator is some way from him. He speaks quietly into a microphone.)
Comentator: Hello again, and welcome to Madagascar, where Francisco Huron is seeking Don Roberts. And I’ve just been told that he has been told that he has been unofficially described as ‘cold’. Ah, wait a minute.
(in the distance Francisco Huron consults with an official; the commentator moves out of shot briefly, then returns) I’ve just been told that Huron has requested a plane ticket for Budapest! So he’s definitely getting warmer. So we’ll be back again in just a few years.
(Cut to Frank Bough looking older. He is covered with cobwebs.)
Frank Bough: Really beginning to hot up now.
CAPTION: ‘FIVE YEARS, TWO MONTHS AND TWENTY-SIX DAYS LATER’
(Cut to a Portuguese-looking setting. Francisco Huron looking round desperately and glancing at his watch.)
Commentator: So here we are on the very last day of this fantastic final. Huron now has less than twelve hours left to find British ace Don Roberts. Early this morning he finished combing the outskirts of Lisbon and now he seems to have staked everything on one final desperate seek here in the Tagus valley. But Roberts is over fifteen hundred miles away, and it’s beginning to look all over, bar the shouting. The sands of time are running out for this delving dago, this senor of seek, perspicacious Paraguayan. He’s still desperately cold and it’s beginning to look like another gold for Britain.
(The camera shows Huron creeping up on a dustbin. He pauses, snatches off the lid and looks inside. He turns away disappointed then does double take and looks back into the bin. He pulls out a sardine tin with the word ‘Sardines’ very obvious. Shot of Huron’s reaction as he suddenly gets a tremendous idea. He snaps his fingers and hails a taxi and gets in. Cut to plane landing. Same sign as before ‘Benvenuto a Sardinia’. Francisco cycles past. Cut to him discarding the bike and running up the hill straight into the castle. He runs along corridors into the right room, up to the pillar and finds Don Roberrs sulking behind. They both look very tense as they await the official result, then react in fury and frustration when it is announced by a blazered offical.)
Official: The official result of the World Hide-and-Seek, Mr Don Roberrs from Hinckley, Leicestershire, 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. Mr Francisco Huron, Paraguay, 11 years, a months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. The result – a tie.
Voice Over: A tie! Well what a fantastic result. Well the replay will start tomorrow at 7.30 a.m.
(As they stand there the camera pans off them to a window and then zooms through the window to reveal a beach where there is a Redcoat.)
Redcoat: Well hello again …. nice to be back … glad to see the series has been doing well. Well now, sorry about Mon-treau.
(At this point two men run past in the background carrying.a donkey. A third runs behind carrying a sign saying ‘Donkey Rides’ and winking and pointing at the donkey, they run out of picture.)
Redcoat: That was a little item entitled Hide-and-Seek – very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea, but very nice for the younger people. Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place in a sitting room. Sorry it’s just a sitting room, but the bank account’s a bit low after the appallingly expensive production of ‘Clothmerle’…
(He is hit by Mr Robinson with a chicken. Robinson walks away and we follow him as he passes Badger in the foreground.)
Badger: This is a totally free interruption and no money has exchanged hands whatever.
(The camera doesn’t pause at all on Badger and we continue panning with Robinson until he reaches the knight in amour. He hands the chicken to the knight. He walks away from knight and into the distance.)