What’s been in the theater lately? A load of crap, that’s what. Let’s examine, shall we?
Welcome to Me (2014) Does Wiig play anything but annoying, damaged, bat-shit crazy girls who aren’t remotely interesting. However, in the manner of poor little middle-class girls with mental problems, she’s all about herself to the tune of spending 15-40million bucks on a vanity show about her various neuroses. “Someone’s been tampering with my make-up bag!”. No, someones been tampering with the meds of whoever wrote this. Also in the manner of spoiled little crazy bitches she blows money like it’s going out of style on all manner of stupid crap. As always in the movies, no one has to ever pay bills or do any of the actual life crap the rest of us do so they are free to waste money and buy whatever the plot calls for. Eventually she gives the money to her equally vapid friend, who immediately starts to blow it on crap. Happy ending. Oh, and extended full frontal and SPOILER! Wiig has quite the merkin going on (get it, wig, merkin? fuck you, look it up illiterate) Rating: 2
Dead Girls (2014) At first I thought this was Tragedy Girls, which I hated, and there are a lot of parallels. To add to the confusion, another film called “Dead Girls” came out in 2014 about a girl band who go to an out of the way cabin for some well-deserved R&R (rest and relaxation, not rock and roll) and get murdered in ways described in their songs. Apparently, I just read the synopsis, didn’t see that one but it sounds like it might have been the better Dead Girls of 2014, at least. It can’t be a sequel, because it came out in 1987, preceding this one by nearly 3 years, meaning all dogs in that movie were dead by the time this new one came out, not to mention a lot of the crew and cast. But it had to be better than this one, 2014’s Dead Girls with no band, which I quit watching after a few minutes as this became obvious has a man-hating castration film where Dead GIrls (and there are a fuckton of them) get their revenge on the guys who killed them, I guess. Rating 0 didn’t watch, and neither should you.
Heaven Is for Real (2014) A little-boy has a near-death experience and claims he sees Jesus and Heaven. This sounds really familiar and must be based on a true story, I don’t care enough to look it up. It’s a movie that has it’s heart in the right place, and Gred Kinnear is likable and kind and handsome as ever and it’s good to see him again, he doesn’t seem to have done a lot since his hey-days of As Good As It Gets and Autofocus. However, this movie is a bit too earnest for me. It reminds me of the fact that although I am a conservative, even more socially than I used to be since I’ve had kids, I can’t relate to really earnestly religious people, especially of the proselytizing bent. Like extremely born again or Mormons, earnestly “good” people who mention the Lord and scriptures and all that crap on a daily basis. I mean, good for them, but I’m getting on with my life and figure it’s good enough just to not fuck people around or hurt anyone, but they are all in with testifying that Jesus is their personal savior and I just don’t want to be there. It seems fake and stupid and I feel like I can’t talk to them any more than I could talk to my buddy who went nuts and talked conspiracy tales all the time and how the FBI was after him. Sometimes you want to say “let’s forget the aliens after you, and let’s forget Jesus for a bit with you, and just talk about life here on planet Earth?” Anyway, this movie comes from that place and I don’t care for that place. Earth Rating, even though its heart is in the right place and it’s a feeeelgoooood movie, 2.
Monsters Dark Continent (2014) I don’t know wtf this movie is about. And that’s on several levels. Apparently these guys are battling insurgents in Iraq (maybe?) and are on a mission to rescue some missing soldiers. They all manage to get killed off only to find the guys they are to save are already dead, then the ultimate survivor shoots the penultimate survivor. Along with this basic war story, inexplicably there are alien monsters of many sizes, from playful Pokemons to ginormous gargantuan behemoths. Outside of running over one and killing one the soldiers have virtually no interaction wtih the monsters, don’t seem surprised to see them and they play no role in the plot. Maybe they are a metaphor for war, or hatred, or alienation, or bad movies, or whatever?. They simply make an inscrutable war movie even more confusing. No stars either. The poster looks like Call of Duty, and it’s aimed at that demographic I guess, but wtf? I still don’t get it. Rating 1
Two Night Stand (2014) Miles Teller (Whiplash) as Alec and Analeigh Tipton (hellifIknow) as Megan meet online, as we all must now, and fuck, but single guy’s nightmare, a blizzard traps him with her for 2 days. She’s a total bitch, he’s just a typical guy so of course she is all over his ass with bitch and they hate each other’s guts when of course they fall in love and end up together, which no one whose never seen a movie would have guessed. Those of us who have knew it immediately. The main message I get, as a single guy, from these movies is girls are fucking impossible, bitchy, unreasonable and just irrational bints whose only value is that you can fuck them and escape, even if you have to dig through the snow or die of exposure. They never show the afterwards of these movies where they part in acrimony and hate after all the things that pissed her off about him over 2 days go on for the next weeks, days, months and he is subjected to the whinging, ranting, cuntish behaviour that made him hate her to begin with. I have rarely found I hate a girl then grow to like her, usually everyone is on their best behaviour at first when the slightest hint of creepiness or bitchiness can break that fragile bond that you’ve formed over one quick fuck. It usually take a while for a girl to show her ass or the guy to start farting in front of her or leaving someone else’s panties or used tampon in his backseat with a few used rubbers. That’s how these movies should be written, where you love each other and fuck 4-5 times a day and make out in front of your friends and spend 24/7 together and think her farts are cute and his BO smell is hot and move on to where they start fantasizing elaborate murders of each other. I’d pay to see that movie, maybe it was already done as War of the Roses. Rating for THIS movie though, is only 2.