The original incarnation of Lara Croft had a beautiful, athletic, intelligent Lara Croft (with a great rack) destroying a state-of-the-art killer robot with lightning reflexes and cold hard steely determination. In contrast, the new Lara Croft starts off getting her ass kicked by a skinny dyke in a friendly MMA match. She follows this up by running away from 3 puny chinese guys because one of them had a knife. She proceeds to screw up in almost every respect that Angelina Jolie’s Lara would never have allowed.
So begins another in what seems to be Hollywood’s new ‘young origin’ style of superhero movies, and that’s what Lara is, a superhero from a video game. Instead of a heroic, unique and special individual, like the last couple Spidermans our heros are unremarkable dorks who stumble into superheroism.
Later of course, to drive the plot, she handily figures out puzzles and traps just in time, having previously shown no proficiency either physically nor mentally she goes from tapping out from a 115lb transwoman chokeholding her to submission to leaping about like a parkour master, kicking ass like Catwoman and shooting one-hit kills repeatedly with a bow and arrow like Katnip Whosis from Hunger Games.
She finally defeats the Big Bad last boss by punching him in the nuts, which was cool if not superhero-like, then totally at his mercy and defeated she’s only saved from decapitation by a timely explosion by her dad blowing himself up for humanity. Even at the end she can’t muster up any real fight, while the baddie is dying of plague she kicks him into the abyss “This Is Sparta” style while getting off a lame one liner “You messed with the wrong family”.
Yes, one graced by endless ‘hand of God’ rescues via the script-writer. But the same script-writer made her an uninspiring, half-ass hero but the actress herself has none of the pinache nor cocky confidence of Jolie. Worst of all, to my mind, she’s plain, as in not even ‘youthfully cute’. Jolie had that profile, those great big lips and luscious breasts and hips she flung around while fighting. All this girl has is an enormous forehead. No screen preseence at all and nothing heroic in her mien or demeanor.
I guess the writers, producers and directors were trying to make it more realistic. But it’s not supposed to be realistic, it’s based on a video game. There’s nothing even supernatural in this film, foresaking all the magic of the originals, despite the mentions of Trinity, an organization trying to harness the supernatural to take over the world, we never see any here.
The only part I liked was the Brit pawnbroker guy who was on the various Simon Pegg movies, I can’t be arsed to look up his name. Oh damn I just remembered it. Nick Frost. Anyone else notices that since you can jsut look shit up on Google anymore your memory for names and etc. has gone to shit? Mine sure has.
Anyway, in a vacuum this movie might be a passable action adventure, but compared with the previous Lara Crofts this one is inferior in every way. Even the choice of male counterpart is sickly and lame compared to Daniel Craig and Gerard Butler, and just now it occurred to me that this contains almost no stars (unless you consider TV actor Goggins or character actors Kristen Thomas, Derek Jacobi or Dom West stars).
There are also no big set piece spectacles like in the first 2, instead there is a measly little cave with a collapsing floor, then boom, they are in the big tomb. There’s no splendor, there’s no spectacle, even the Mulligan, the Orb or the Clock of the first 2, is a home-made looking thing that looks like a disembled door knob. It occurs to me that this film had a relatively small budget compared to the first 2.