Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 11 : Galahad at Castle Anthrax
The Tale of Sir Galahad.
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
ZOOT: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes. Oh, it’s not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail. It is here.
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot?
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!…
ZOOT: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
GALAHAD: Well, look, I– I, uh–
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD: ‘Sir Galahad… the Chaste’.
ZOOT: Mine is ‘Zoot’. Just ‘Zoot’. Oh, but come.
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God’s name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
GALAHAD: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this–
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I– I, uh–
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no. It’s– it’s nothing.
ZOOT: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
PIGLET: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD: They’re doctors?!
ZOOT: Uh, they… have a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD: B– but–
ZOOT: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practise your art.
WINSTON: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that’s absolutely necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There’s nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please. We are doctors.
GALAHAD: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.
PIGLET: Back to your bed! At once!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There’s no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it! I have seen it!
I have seen–
GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
DINGO: No, I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I–
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: Well, what is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.
GALAHAD: It’s not the real Grail?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we’re glad. It’s better than some of the previous scenes, I think.
LEFT HEAD: At least ours was better visually.
DENNIS: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn’t just a string of pussy jokes.
OLD MAN: Get on with it.
TIM THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Yes, get on with it!
DINGO: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
GOD: Get on with it!
–director’s cut lines end–
Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
AMAZING: And spank me.
STUNNER: And me.
LOVELY: And me.
DINGO: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT: You are in great peril!
DINGO: No, he isn’t.
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: You know, she’s got a point.
LAUNCELOT: Come on! We will cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I’m fine!
LAUNCELOT: Come on!
GIRLS: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad. Come on!
GALAHAD: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
DINGO: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
LAUNCELOT: No. Quick! Quick!
GALAHAD: Please! I can defeat them! There’s only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
DINGO: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven’t a chance.
GIRLS: We haven’t a chance. He will beat us easily…
DINGO: Oh, shit.
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
GALAHAD: I don’t think I was.
LAUNCELOT: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT: No, it’s too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT: No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT: No. It’s unhealthy.
GALAHAD: I bet you’re gay.
LAUNCELOT: No, I’m not.