Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 17 : Dead Prince
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GUESTS: [crying]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We’re going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.
GUEST: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
[exciting music]
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!
FATHER: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!
LAUNCELOT: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I’m really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.
GUEST #1: He’s killed the best man!
GUESTS: [yelling]
FATHER: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
GUEST: He killed my auntie!
GUESTS: [yelling]
FATHER: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two
young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
GUESTS: Oh! Oh, no!
FATHER: But I don’t want to think I’ve not lost a son, so much as… gained a daughter!
[clap clap clap]
For, since the tragic death of her father–
GUEST #2: He’s not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father–
GUEST #2: He’s getting better!
FATHER: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.
BRIDE’S FATHER: Uugh!
GUEST #2: Oh, he’s died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense.
[clap clap clap]
And I feel sure that the merger– er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot–
LAUNCELOT: What?
GUEST #2: Look! The dead Prince!
GUESTS: Oooh! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He’s not quite dead.
HERBERT: No, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?!
HERBERT: Well, I’ll tell you.
[music]
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!…
FATHER: Shut uuup!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell!…
FATHER: Shut up!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell!…
FATHER: Shut up!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell!…
FATHER: Not like that!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!…
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell!…
CONCORDE: Come this way!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!…
LAUNCELOT: No! It’s not right for my idiom!
GUESTS: [singing] He’s going to tell about his great escape…
LAUNCELOT: I must escape more… [sigh]
GUESTS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,…
CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
LAUNCELOT: Dramatically!
GUESTS: [singing] But he’s here with us today…
LAUNCELOT: Heee! Hoa!
[crash]
Hoo!
GUESTS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!
LAUNCELOT: Excuse me. Could, uh– could somebody give me a push, please?