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mplob 24 Jailer and His Assistant

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Monty Python’s Life of Brian


Scene 24: Jailer and His Assistant

NISUS: Next. Hhh, crucifixion?

ALFONSO: Yes.

NISUS: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?

BRIAN: Excuse me. There’s been some sort of mistake.

NISUS: Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?

JAILER: What?

NISUS: Uh, how many have come through?

JAILER: What?

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Uh, y– y– y– y– y– you’ll have to s– speak– s– s– s– sp– spe– speak– speak– s– spe– s– s– p– p– peak– speak up a bit, sir. He’s– he’s d– he’s d– he’s d– he’s d–

NISUS: Ah.

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Oh, he’s– he’s–

[whap]

He’s deaf as– dea– deaf as a p– p– post, sir.

NISUS: Uhh, how many have come through?!

JAILER: Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

NISUS: Oh, dear.

JAILER: Hee huh.

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: I make it ninety-fff–…

NISUS: Ah.

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: ninety-fff– ninety-fffff– ninety-six, sir.

NISUS: Oh. It’s such a senseless waste of human life, isn’t it?

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: N– n– n– n– n– n– n– no, sir. N– not– not with these b– bastards, sir. C– cr– rrrr– c– c– crrr– c– c– c– crrrrucifixion’s too good for ’em, sir.

NISUS: I don’t think you can say it’s too good for them. It’s– it’s very nasty.

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Well, it’s not as n– n– n– n– n– n– n– n– no– no– no– not as n– nasty as something I just thought up, sir.

NISUS: No.

JAILER: Hm?

NISUS: Now, um, crucifixion.

BRIAN: Is there someone I can speak to?

NISUS: Well–

JAILER: I know where to get it, if you want it.

NISUS: What?

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Uh, d– don’t– don’t worry about hi– him, sir. He’s de– he’s de–

[whap]

He’s de– de– de– he’s deaf and m– m– m– m– m– m– m– mad, sir.

NISUS: How did he get the job?

JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Bloody Pilate’s pet, sir.

JAILER: Heh heh.

MR. CHEEKY: Get a move on, Big Nose! There’s people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.

BRIAN: Could I see a lawyer or someone?

NISUS: Um, do– do you have a lawyer?

BRIAN: No, but I’m a Roman.

MR. CHEEKY: How about a re-trial? We’ve got plenty o’ time.

PARVUS: Shut up, you!

MR. CHEEKY: Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour.

[whump]

Oooh.

NISUS: I’m sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. Now…

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